久しぶりですよね。。。長い時間、ここで書いてないね。。。

仕方がない。。。いそがしいから。

今、生活がよくないね。。毎日二級の文法と感じと語彙を練習しなければならない。ちょっと大変。この試験はごうがくできないはすだよ。でもどうしてあたしはそんなにいそがしいか？勉強の意味がないね。。。。

たくさん勉強を問わず、ごうがくできない。

この世界はちょっと大変ね。。。いろいろなことヲできなければ…

遅いね今、じゃあお休み

You think I am back, writing about my happy bunny moments…..
But that is not my mood nowadays.
My past weeks have taught me that sometimes, someone you have known for so fucking long, could be the one who destroyed you in the end.

Money should never be lend or borrow, cause that will show the true colours of people. Of course, they won’t be returned to you. Once they leave your hands, it means charity……Just like how I donated some money to the “Save the Animals” campaign last week. But the differences between giving charity to perfect normal humans who likes to gamble and borrow off people, charity to people who are disabled, and charity to animals, the latter two has more greatness in it.

As for the very first one, I think those people ought to stop living.

I won;t be a hypocrite…..IF I HATE SOMEONE, I WILL SHOW IT.

so beware……………

Honestly,  I cannot live in this world.

I am too much of a feminist, and I hate every single thing that guys say which can create inequality between the both sexes.

I hate how guys can do one thing, but girls are forbid to. I hate how guys can go and have mistress, and girls can;t because they need to be loyal. I hate how guys can have drinks and have fun, but girls gotta be at home. I hate all these gender roles because I believe that we both can do things and be treated with equality. If there is nothing a man cannot do, there is nothing a woman cannot do too. We are all equal, and because I am a woman, does not mean I cannot be a leader, i cannot be a breadwinner, and i cannot go to host clubs because I will if my future husband goes to hostess clubs. I’ll do everything they have done to me, and I won’t be taken advantage of.

That is why, I haven;t been in a relationship. Cause I won;t step back. If one take advantages of me, I won;t let it go. If I don;t get the respect, they won;t have it either.

You can assume that I am stepping closer and deeper into the feminist world, and I am leaning over to the other side of the road.

Let me end this.
I hate inequality between men and women.
I rather be a homosexual to have an equal relationship.

I haven;t written for such a long time.
I don;t really have a reason to defend myself, because I am not too busy, and i am not too occupied with things either.

However, I am just having this lack of inspiration mode which does not motivate me to write.

As for my life, I am still having real fun with my Japanese classes, and my classmates who I will say they are true friends…..I hardly feel this way for any other friends though. Once in a while, I finally found people who actually accept and like me for who i am, not for my advantages.

I kinda hate this world…… cause usually, most of the time, men have all the benefits, all the advantages, and I find that annoying.

Sometimes, You wanna express it all for people you care for, but at times, it is far too late for you to do it.

I wrote this poem, or song, or whatever you think it is, in Japanese… To practice my super weak Japanese. Well….. here i go. My first foreign piece of written art.

My translations are not good too… since I am trying to think in Japanese and write in Japanese and from Japanese translate to English, but the meaning still lies there… so yes.

「さようなら」言わないよ。
Sayonara,iwanai yo
Don’t say Goodbye

今、心がわれてしまった。。
ima,kokoro ga wareteshimatta
Right now, My heart is broken

引っ越した、絶対に君の声わすれない。。。
hikkoshita,zettai ni kimi no koe wasurenai
Moving away, I will never forget your voice

あの場所、遠いけど、いつまでも、気持ちを送てる
ano basho, tooi kedo, itsumademo, kimochi wo okuteru
That place, how far it can be, always, I’ll send my feelings there

悲しくて、うれしくて，どんな気持ち、always 君のとなりに聞いてる
kanashite,ureshite, donna kimochi, always kimi no tonari ni kiiteru
Sadness, Happiness, whatever the feelings, always, next to you, I’ll listen to you

どうして。。涙こぼれた。。
doushite, namida koboreta
Why do these tears overflow

メモリー。。心にあるよ。。。
memories, kokoro ni aru yo
Memories, always in my heart

好きになった、ずっとあなたの笑うおぼえてる。。
suki ni natta, zutto anata no warau oboeteru
I have liked you, Always, I’ll remember your smiles.

この所.。。寂しいけど、いつまでも、歌を書いてあげる。。
kono tokoro, sabishii kedo, itsumademo, uta wo kaite ageru
This place, how lonely, but always, I’ll write songs for you

悲しくて、うれしくて，どんな気持ち、always 君のとなりに聞いてるkanashite,ureshite, donna kimochi, always kimi no tonari ni kiiteru
Sadness, Happiness, whatever the feelings, always, next to you, I’ll listen to you

今でも、君がいない。。生活が変われた
ima demo, kimi ga inai, seikatsu ga kawareta
Right Now, there is no presence of you, my life has changed

そんな寂しい、そんな悲しい，誰もここにいない
sonna sabishii, sonna kanashii, dare mo koko ni inai
How lonely, How sad it can be, there is no one here…

君がいるとき、「好きだ」言わない。。
kimi ga iru toki,” suki da” iwanai
When you were here, I never said “I like you”

でも今は遅すぎた。。。
demo ima wa ososugita…
But right now, it is far too late.

There can be no one I can blame for it, but myself.

As I have written as the big headline of my blog. Yes. I “failed” the Monbusho interview. If you asked me whether it is difficult, I would say the questions were unexpected. My proposal was not in their interest, even though several professors had said my topic was interesting, my research topic was not interesting enough or convincing enough to prove that yes… there are these kind of changes in Japan.

I won;t tell you what my research proposal is, unless you asked me through email. Because I still need this for a PhD thesis, and i don;t want anyone to do the same topic as I do.

But I would share some tips for those who will have an interview with Monbusho.

1) Know your research topic, REALLY WELL.
2) RECITE all the theories you can that can lead to your topic. Because if you can;t recite the theories (In my case, 5 theories of _________, who wrote them) you fail.
3) Make sure you can convince them.
4) Make sure your topic is not too contemporary, entertaining, feminist…you know, you never know that no matter how liberal you think you are, there are still people who think against your ideologies.
5) Recite more theories if you can. If your topic is on media, figure out who is the first person who decides that media helps influence people, what he wrote, who argues against his case, add more theories that supports your ides……remember… THEORY THEORY THEORY.

Well….I can;t recite the theories… How was I to know that I need THEORIES to support my proposal …(when literature review is not needed), and even though I thought that should be in the stage of the “literature review” not proposal. I was never asked of my methodology, but only theories theories theories.

I can’t complain much. Cause I am not as intelligent as them, I didn;t learn to recite all theories from my Masters, and my topic is not ENTIRELY what i studied, cause my profession is on area studies, but i included two more mini topics within. It is part of the society in Japan, and I cannot take 1 year to eat down all the theories i can.

So What i’ll do now, is to get parents’ scholarship.
No need to even go for an interview.
I’ll get it for sure.
But for now, I am sick of this kind of competition. I am gonna work first then go for PhD….. Monbusho is out of the question.

This is the first time I lost. I tasted failure…..
And then, I learnt that….. I am not only unlucky in love, but also I can be unlucky in game as well.

A bit of update here…. I finally passed through the interview stage of the scholarship!!!! I don;t know how well I will do in the exam, but you know, my dreams and determination are what I have as the meaning of my life. So I need to grab every chance I can while my heart will still stay without too much attachment to things around me.

Anyway, I will smile whatever result I have. hehe!

The english test was actually easy…. so i guess because of that I managed to pass it…I need to make a perfect impression, in order to make it the best I can this Monday. Please support me, and always encourage me to reach out to the best!
As for myself, I find my detachment for loads of things made me happier and cheerful….I was able to concentrate better on things……..so thanks to my philosophy books which save me from my depression…..

Until then.

I really had heaps of fun today, shopping with my beloved Praew!! ahaha
In fact, I never liked to accompany girls for their shopping spree…..but there is only two people in this world I shop with. My mom and Praew. First of all, Mommy and Praew are not fussy. They do not spend hours in the fitting room… and they made decision fast! It actually makes me feel that, HEY! shopping isn’t too horrible as I used to imagine it was…

Zac Efron was one of our main topics! hahaha I really appreciate that boy’s talents and looks. He is indeed a very unique person, and he has such a cute girlfriend, and I like his girl too!!! Vanessa is such a sweet girl. Nice couple, indeed.

I have been watching Higurashi no naku koro ni, and it hurts my mind….
Parallel worlds, doppelganger, mysterious death, spirited away, ogres, demons… soo many stuff that hurts my mind alot….
As much as I love to concept of parallel worlds… it scares me at times… I am scared that what if one day I wake up and I do not live in the life I am in now? What if I belong somewhere in this universe, not being as fortunate as I am now, perhaps  I might be married to some American dude and moved over to the states, or fell in love with an Asian who deeply respect the Asian Values and I am the Good Housewife Wise mother like I hate to be? whatever it is, I am grasping to the choices I made, and accepting all consequences of my outcomes.

I am still waiting for my results if I passed to the interview section of the Monbusho. English Test was soooo easy, grammar was not complicating, vocab is too easy, fill in the blanks passage was predictive, and the comprehension passages were interesting. I know it for sure I will pass….. Cause It is sooo easy that I knew all the answers to it, but only that my research proposal might not be appealing I would not be chosen.

On the 22nd of July, I will know my next step. I put everything into my research, and I will try my best to win the scholarship. It means alot to me. It is tha starting of something new, it is the door I opened up to my next determination after masters. Oh the stars up there, please grant me a wish to get the scholarship, get into the uni, get into Phd and graduate from it. This is my five year plan.
After that, I wanna get to US.Get married to a rich American who live in a BIG HOUSE in Texas or Cali, and…….no. I was kidding. Getting a job in an American uni is ideal. I would love to be somewhere…. which isn;t that hot or cold…. I will think about that after I know for sure I am getting a PhD.

Laters

In just two days, I gotta take the English Exam to Monbusho. I am not sure how well I am gonna do, but I will try my best……

Right now, I have to devote myself entirely to Japanese. I want to ace it as much as I could, *dakerudake* gonna be the best I can choose to be.

I went to borrow some books form Japan foundation, and i find it quite useful for my references in my future researches. Honestly, I draw myself into a cave filled wth books for the reason that I do not want my heart to lead my head. My head is more important in getting what I need for the future, not what I want for the future.

Now that I have nearly turned myself into a nerd-gothic girl, I have thought once again, about my life in Sydney which I did an experiment in being a hikikomori …….. I think those people should be respected for being independent. Some of them have awesome ideas and educate themselves with books…..and internet……

I feel so tired of living in this world….at this moment, I can close one more door……so I am not gonna hurt anymore. Yes….like someone notorious once said, “Don;t think, feel” I am gonna do the exact opposite. “Don’t feel….think” for in exams and tests, you cannot FEEL that this is the right answer……..you have to think of what is right, what path you think takes you and give you the best advantages, and what you think you do, will make you feel good……

well…..I get my hopes up and watch them fall each time, so right now, hoping nothing is the best thing for me. If I get the scholarship or not, I dont; wanna hope anymore…Being so hopeless…..I won;t drive myself to hurt myself though…

Good Night for now……….sleep tight, eva-chan, for tmr, its just another day….you get closer to Death. *smile*

今、私の心はどうか、わからない。。。
私の一番いい友達はタイへ帰った。とてもうれしかった。

しかし。。。。自分の心．。あのさびし気持ちがまだ治る。。。

仕方がない。。。この恋の物語は。。。終わった。

パト二があるか。。待っている。