In just two days, I gotta take the English Exam to Monbusho. I am not sure how well I am gonna do, but I will try my best……

Right now, I have to devote myself entirely to Japanese. I want to ace it as much as I could, *dakerudake* gonna be the best I can choose to be.

I went to borrow some books form Japan foundation, and i find it quite useful for my references in my future researches. Honestly, I draw myself into a cave filled wth books for the reason that I do not want my heart to lead my head. My head is more important in getting what I need for the future, not what I want for the future.

Now that I have nearly turned myself into a nerd-gothic girl, I have thought once again, about my life in Sydney which I did an experiment in being a hikikomori …….. I think those people should be respected for being independent. Some of them have awesome ideas and educate themselves with books…..and internet……

I feel so tired of living in this world….at this moment, I can close one more door……so I am not gonna hurt anymore. Yes….like someone notorious once said, “Don;t think, feel” I am gonna do the exact opposite. “Don’t feel….think” for in exams and tests, you cannot FEEL that this is the right answer……..you have to think of what is right, what path you think takes you and give you the best advantages, and what you think you do, will make you feel good……

well…..I get my hopes up and watch them fall each time, so right now, hoping nothing is the best thing for me. If I get the scholarship or not, I dont; wanna hope anymore…Being so hopeless…..I won;t drive myself to hurt myself though…

Good Night for now……….sleep tight, eva-chan, for tmr, its just another day….you get closer to Death. *smile*

今、私の心はどうか、わからない。。。
私の一番いい友達はタイへ帰った。とてもうれしかった。

しかし。。。。自分の心．。あのさびし気持ちがまだ治る。。。

仕方がない。。。この恋の物語は。。。終わった。

パト二があるか。。待っている。

Went out with Praew today!!!!!
I am always soooo happy to be with her!! hehe

It was almost 6 months ago when I picked up my very first Japanese language book, Pink in colour, such a colour which inspires me to learn the language. Of course, the very first lessons were easy, and I managed it really well. The tests, the quizzes and all those were not that difficult for me, I managed to get a good resultfor the first 3 months, dedicating all my time for Japanese.

Not Until after the songkran break when everything changes. Japanese does not only gets harder and more complicating, I have been engaged in a series of events which brought me into a path of uncertainty. My grades dropped…..my concentration became short, and lack of inspiration made me so sick and tired of the classes. I pushed myself way too much, but lucky for me, I have so many good friends in my Day 2 class, and I feel that I really belong somewhere. I had all the fun with them, and would never want to lose any moment of happiness while being with these friends.

My grades that are not going as well as it did made me think that perhaps, letting go of something, and concentrate only on one thing, is the best for me. I am not a very smart person, I trained my own brain to be effective, and I would continue to do so. My life, after all, should be where i first choose it to be, not anywhere else, but into the bright future where I think will brighten my path of determination.

10 more days to my Monbusho test, and 12 more days, to my DAY 3 class. I am not sure if I will do a great job or not, but I will dedicate my time, back to Japanese and my studies. Since right now, I dont have to even think of attaching myself to anything, I can go back to my Day 1 energy and try my best in what I do, and do the very best I can. I already know that getting myself involve with other things but myself would eventually pull me backwards.

Just like a sinking boat, you cannot let anyone lean on you when you are already halfway into the ocean. You treat the crew well, and throw unwanted things away, into the ocean. You know, finally, you gonna be successful.

I am not sure what holds for me in the future, but then I will say, I will try to never let anything get in my way or my dreams. I have learnt it from people around me, dreams can be thrown away so easily, i will not let it happen to me. As I used to say, I can sacrifice romance for a good career and a Phd.

I want romance too… but please don;t come this time. I am in the middle of building my dreams and only coming now with break it all……

I really think sometimes, I need to detach myself from everything that is pulling me down.
One of those, is that I won’t have to care so much about my grades and just think, I have done my best, and I am gonna do what it takes by not pushing myself too far.

And for everything that will eventually stop me from reaching my determinations and plans I have planned 5 years ahead, I will learn to detach from them too. My emotions of failures, lack of inspirations, sadness, and everything in this world, i have one thing to live for, that is to live life to the fullest, and make every moment happy for me.

I wanna get this book… called Socrates in Love. I think it might be a good book for me to read after my exams. Maybe one day,  I am gonna reach my enlightenment…

I am back for another post! I will be really busy for the next two following weeks, so I might not be able to update as much as I did. But then, nothing really makes a difference whether I write or not. Not many people are reading it, nor people are interested in what i write… and my voice never reaches to the people, person, human, individual, and they, he or she would never hear me out. That is pretty sad, because writing does not only works in one direction…..I need some response, just like playing tennis, the ball moves between the players from two sides of the court. What I lack is someone who is willing to play this game with me.

Anyway, I have accounted on “forking paths” “different roads” destiny and stuff about how choices that we made, gave us a different outcome. But as for this poem, I would write, I would daresay, My course of love never run smooth. I did not mean romantic love cause i was never in one, and my love is more like a celebrity crush….or maybe..
.

Just that it happens to me a countless of times. I almost get to meet Tegoshi, but then I flew off to Sydney, I almost attend Jay Chou’s concert, but I am in Thailand, and I almost met Zac Efron, but I was only 3 kms away from him in Sydney. There are a countless times which love just won;t cross my path. Sad right? Well, this is life. I might have hurt people in my past lives, so in this one, I got to pay the debts. (I never believed in past lives, I was just blaming myself so I won;t blame anyone else)

whatsoever, here I go……(There is no Spring Collection of poems like i used to promised)

On Different Roads

I choose a different road, I made a different choice,
I could not tell what the future holds for me,
But all i wish is that you would hear my voice,
Then just for once, deep in my soul you may see….

What do I need to commit to make paths meet?
What deeds I do need to make, for you to walk this way…
For now that I am walking on this one-way street,
With a hope for one day, beside me, you gonna stay

Countless, I have wondered where you are
Under my sky, I could not feel your presence
For your world is unreachable, as far as the star,
Many have staged the show, when I still remain as an audience.

Ambitious, I may be, filled with dreams to achieve
Independent, I perhaps am, walking all alone on this path
But incomplete, deep inside, please still let me believe…
That somehow, you still stay, somewhere…..underneath…

____________________

My poems are rather ambiguous because I like it to appear that way. No matter how you analyze it, the naked truth is what is deep in within. And of course, unless you have the key to unlock what is inside me, then you know the truth. And that truth cannot be written in words.

Each individual is being an individual and has their own unique personality.

I took this application test on facebook and they came out with this

You were born on 28th of November 1986.

:: Actor.
:: Talented to entertain people.
:: Loving and generous.
:: With their natural attraction, they have no problems to befriend with anybody.
:: Have a lots of personality that make others hard to understand them.
:: Like a chameleon, they manage to suits themselves with environment.
:: Lucky, but they suffer cause they depend mostly in luck and mood.

First of all, I am not an actor, though I like to entertain people with my jokes, imitations and dances….I am loving, and i don;t think I am generous enough. I DO have problems befriending people..I have loads of personality….but who doesn;t…….I don’t manage myself well in society…. cause I am the nail that sticks out……..I know I am not lucky… so don;t try to assume that all November 28th babies are born this way.

On thing that is certain that all November 28th babies will share a commonality..

We are not gonna be immortal.

I am in a mood for poetry again…….It s not like a perfect Poetry… but then more to a ballad…….without the melody

Word to replace Goodbye

As we both stood on the platform,
Silence are our last words.
I could feel the same tenderness from your eyes
Soon, there would be a new wind we both have to face.

Alone, I don’t know if I would get used to it
Even though I had walked in the past alone…
Without the bright smiles that gave me hope
I would try to make it through this time…

The seasons that you have grown up with,|
Are worlds apart from mine.
The pain you face, the sad songs I sang,
Are walking on parallel paths,
As for this time, if we face a different wind
I will be searching for a word to replace Goodbye.

I try to come clean and reveal it all,
But I find it hard to hold back my tears..
Would there ever be a day our tracks will cross?
Til’ that day, I would still give you the same smile

Alone, we got to walk our own way,
No matter how far, I have traveled,
You would still be my light,
And I know, I can make it though the wind

The world you have seen and lived in,
Are worlds apart from mine
The tears you shed, the sad songs I sang,
Are not connected by a red thread,
As for this time, if we won’t cross the same path,
I am still searching for a word to replace Goodbye

The new strong wind, that brings
All my smiles, tears, laughs and pain
I know I made it through because I am living with a hope
To reach out for the very best,
As for this time, when we walked our own ways….
I will still be searching for a word to replace Goodbye
_________________________________________

I am always leaving people behind…..like going somewhere to study……

So I guess this can explains it all..

Today I went to the Japanese Embassy and got my documents screened…..But i am still worried about my GPA…..cause it is impossible to get Australian grades converted. But it is just up to people’s choices. えらぶかどうか。。。まだわからない。。。。

I have been thinking too much of the choices we can make.
My palm might say I am gonna live a long and prosperous life….or gonna live in a foreign country…maybe marry a foreign man…..and have a good career…..well, that cannot be perfect. Perfection cannot be mine, like I used to say.

But if they say I am gonna have a LONG LIFE. what if one day, i choose to jump and let the BTS train hit me, ending my life? Will that make me choose my own destiny?
If I say I want to go to study overseas….and if I never apply to any uni, would I actually get to go over there?
If I say I wanna get into a relationship, and if I only choose to stay at home, never to let anyone in, and stay in my fantasy of a one true love, would I actually have someone??
It is a matter of choice and a matter of how you led your destiny to.
Destiny is not created, but it is a choice that you can make it happen.
God is there not to choose it for you, but you are here in this earth, in this human world, to make decisions for yourself.

Life is a forking path, each way you choose, leads you to a different outcome. In high school,friends are all in this together…..but once you graduate, each person walks on their own path of life. Some paths are parallel, and shall never met, some paths meet along the way, and disappear again. Some paths disappear from the sight, and their existence might be gone for good.

People you meet, you might walk on the same path….. but later, they chose their own way. Just like married couples…..they are in the commitment together, but sometimes, they might choose to walk their own way……

Choices are within your power. You might think destiny has written it all for you, but you should know, that there is nothing certain in life. Whether destiny sets for you or not, you should be sure of one thing…that is certain in life….

You cannot escape from DEATH.

A new look for my blog!!!! yipee!!!!!

You know, this is such such such a feminine layout, and You readers might think I am in love…….No, I am not. I just like the colour because I am depressed right now, and this is part of my self psychotherapy….. Start having bright colours around. It will make and pull me back on track. So I repeat. I am not in love. Apart from idolizing Tegoshi and having a big big big crush on Zac Efron, wanting to marry Sakurai Sho, while I fantasize about a date with Jensen Ackles….. Yeah… that kind of celebrity crushes/love….not actual love.

Okay, I am gonna show you that this blog, which looks so feminine and seems like someone who is kinda air-head would choose it, I can make it look intellectual. Damn…I am siding my egoist self again.

Okay. Back to philosophical questions.

This time my topic would be on Death Penalty.

First of all, I would like to say, taking someone’s life is unethical and immoral. No matter how you put it, it is still immoral, even for self-defense, for personal revenge, for whatsoever reasons, taking another person’s life is immoral.

Under some legal system which had been abolished in several countries, death penalty is illegal and should not be practiced on criminals and murderers. However, it is still shocking to know that developed nations like USA and Japan, highly supports death penalty. This leads to the question. Is Death Penalty, moral itself?

The answer is in this. If everyone is doing something wrong, and you are doing it too, does not make you right, or does not make that action right. I believe that death penalty is necessary evil, just like the government. It is immoral, yet it should be practiced because I live by a code. “To gain something, you have to sacrifice something of an equivalent value”. And if one man decides to end another person’s life, he should also pay with HIS life. Even if it appears to contradicts with the moral issue, i still strongly say, a life for a life.

Here i stand, in a country that dearly needs death penalty. The reason is that the authorities are able to hide away from murder, and they are not being punished for it. There is hardly any justice left, and look here, They are not just taking one life. They are putting a wound in the lives of those who are still living.

Imprisonment, takes the freedom of this jerks away. Locked up in the cell, what could be better than to put them to death? Those people who had commit their crime should be prepared for any consequences they have to face. They need to face responsibility in what they have done, even if it would mean, the people around them would be hurt.This is the truth of life. You will eventually earn something from something you have done.

Back to Death Penalty, if people say, no one has the right to take the criminals’ life away, then I will ask, what rights do they have, to be able to take the life of another away? If it is self defense, it is a different story, yet you are still being immoral for performing that act.

This is a debate that could be view in some many different ways, but i stand closer to the point where I say, death penalty is indeed immoral and unethical, but it is necessary and it is evil. Because death is something a majority of people fear, and this serves as a great reinforcement for others to think before they act. Or those who act before they think.

Good night.