For a whole of 23 years, I have traveled so far, the path is filled with full of smiles and tears.
I could not see what is in front of me, what else is waiting for me, but all I know is that I need to use whatever I learnt from the past to make a better future. I have so many things in mind that I wanted to do soooo much, but I haven;t got all the time in the world.

This year, 2010, I want to make it good somehow. I need to be a role model for the younger ones, and I will reach out for the goal, that shining goal that will make me shine brighter, and without falling into temptation, apart from still wanting to be a shinigami.

I thank my parents for giving me life. Even though I know that being a human is to suffer, I believe that I will do my best in the present life I live in. And then whatever will come in the future, I need to remind myself, Never ever to upset them. They have been with me for 23 years, unlike others who haveonly been with me for a short while. These 23 years of bond between me and them is too strong, that I will rather die than to betray their trust, love and care.

And as a 23 year old, I will soon leave my cocoon and face the reality, that I have been running away from.

One day, everyone will face the same fate. Everyone shall then end their journey and end up in the place where no one living actually knows where we would go. Some has reached to the highest point, and there is nothing to anticipate for, some has lost their way, when the dreams are still unfulfilled. This is no big deal. Everyone’s gonna end up that way, no sooner no later. But what really matters is your existence after you are gone. Are you HATEFULLY remembered, or are you forgotten?

All that I know, is that you will never rest in peace if the deeds that you have done are unforgivable. In my bible, I do not forgive. Even if a hundred years would pass, i would still not forgive. That is my way of life, Even if i still have great relations with someone who had hurt me, I will still go on befriending them, without forgiving the things that have done wrong to me. This will let me know that I will not fall to the same mistake. Even people who had taken advantages of others, lie to others, and furthermore, to take the lives of others, I do not think they are worth to be forgiven.

Have fun in the deepest depths of hell. Please reserve the hottest seat for your dear leader who would sooner of later, follow your journey soon.

My eyes fixed upon the little kid in his blue uniform on my way to the Japanese class, in the crowded MRT train on the busy, rush hour. Kids are always nice to be around, unless they act so “wagamama” and annoying, then, that is when I started to feel my blood boil. However, this little boy’s sweet smile were so pure, so real, and once in a while, i have seen such a face, free from hypocrisy, free from the mask which we were force to wear. The mask I cannot take it off, because the society has forced this upon me.

That little boy, I wondered what future shall holds for him.
He might be a good adult in the future, holding a degree from a prestigious university, or has a career which people respect. However, it all depends on the path he chose.

There was once a poor boy who lives in the North, he was smart and won scholarships for his studies. He might even suffered because he does not have as much money as other kids do. But as an adult which he grew into, he is a disrespectful, hypocritical liar who manages to divide our country into such crisis. All kids you see on the streets today, may be the worst kind of people like we see today in our generation.

As long as we are humans, we can all fall to the dark. Do not blame the devil for his temptation for we can choose, we are not forced to be in the dark. That kid that I saw on the train, I still wonder who he will be in the future. “The future’s not us to see” but it is for us to create for ourselves.

I won’t lose myself to the dark by attacking innocent people, but who knows, if there is a demon who can give me a chance to be an avenger, but a grim reaper who could take the souls of all those evil in order to create a world that is pure just like i have thought when I was younger, I would actually take the chance. To just anyone who could grant me a single wish, I wish I can be just like any other superhero from Kurosaki Ichigo to Tsukino Usagi. I would make this world a better place, not by words like politicans, but by a supernatural power, and cleanse the world in a way that will protects the good, before their visions of optimist world be shadowed by the evil.

Lord Voldemort returns, while all the Death Eaters flee to his side, perhaps to show their great respect towards him. In case, when the end of the world really comes, they will board the same ship. But then one should know that all rich men and all intelligent men does not always survive in the end. No matter how smart you are, like L, you still get destroyed, and no matter how evil and how much you think what you are doing is justice, you will also get destroyed in the end, just like Kira or Light.

One can never escape from their deeds, and each lie will be exposed. Sometimes, when people opened their eyes in the end, they will finally see that the truth they always thought of, was in fact a reality which a psychotic man creates for himself to believe in, and somehow, drag you into his ways of thinking as well.How do one find out the truth of things? Well, we should use our senses to analyse on things, not to be so devoted and follows every step he takes. Remember that everyone, maybe someone is not, is wearing a mask to influence and manipulate people in believing or trusting us. When you know you also tell lies, don;t expect that others do not. Especially people with such high rank, loads of money and hold loads of bad reputation, you got to think it through.

The most important thing to note is that, there is an end. If God does exist, let us not be punished by only one man who has caused a division in our country. Do not let one man bring everyone into the dark. Lord Voldemort, as everyone knows, is an evil man. He, as most sensible people know that he is the fire that lights chaos in our country. This is not another Harry Potter fairytale. This is a real political situation which you can find it from novels.

And at the end of the story, the last page of Book 7 of Thai Politics, you will find that Harry will still win in the end. Lord Voldemort, as evil as he can be, will not survive.

久しぶりですよね。。。長い時間、ここで書いてないね。。。

仕方がない。。。いそがしいから。

今、生活がよくないね。。毎日二級の文法と語彙を練習しなければならない。ちょっと大変。この試験はごうがくできないはすだよ。でもどうしてあたしはそんなにいそがしいか？勉強の意味がないね。。。。

たくさん勉強を問わず、ごうがくできない。

この世界はちょっと大変ね。。。いろいろなことヲできなければ…

遅いね今、じゃあお休み

You think I am back, writing about my happy bunny moments…..
But that is not my mood nowadays.
My past weeks have taught me that sometimes, someone you have known for so fucking long, could be the one who destroyed you in the end.

Money should never be lend or borrow, cause that will show the true colours of people. Of course, they won’t be returned to you. Once they leave your hands, it means charity……Just like how I donated some money to the “Save the Animals” campaign last week. But the differences between giving charity to perfect normal humans who likes to gamble and borrow off people, charity to people who are disabled, and charity to animals, the latter two has more greatness in it.

As for the very first one, I think those people ought to stop living.

I won;t be a hypocrite…..IF I HATE SOMEONE, I WILL SHOW IT.

so beware……………

Honestly,  I cannot live in this world.

I am too much of a feminist, and I hate every single thing that guys say which can create inequality between the both sexes.

I hate how guys can do one thing, but girls are forbid to. I hate how guys can go and have mistress, and girls can;t because they need to be loyal. I hate how guys can have drinks and have fun, but girls gotta be at home. I hate all these gender roles because I believe that we both can do things and be treated with equality. If there is nothing a man cannot do, there is nothing a woman cannot do too. We are all equal, and because I am a woman, does not mean I cannot be a leader, i cannot be a breadwinner, and i cannot go to host clubs because I will if my future husband goes to hostess clubs. I’ll do everything they have done to me, and I won’t be taken advantage of.

That is why, I haven;t been in a relationship. Cause I won;t step back. If one take advantages of me, I won;t let it go. If I don;t get the respect, they won;t have it either.

You can assume that I am stepping closer and deeper into the feminist world, and I am leaning over to the other side of the road.

Let me end this.
I hate inequality between men and women.
I rather be a homosexual to have an equal relationship.

I haven;t written for such a long time.
I don;t really have a reason to defend myself, because I am not too busy, and i am not too occupied with things either.

However, I am just having this lack of inspiration mode which does not motivate me to write.

As for my life, I am still having real fun with my Japanese classes, and my classmates who I will say they are true friends…..I hardly feel this way for any other friends though. Once in a while, I finally found people who actually accept and like me for who i am, not for my advantages.

I kinda hate this world…… cause usually, most of the time, men have all the benefits, all the advantages, and I find that annoying.

Sometimes, You wanna express it all for people you care for, but at times, it is far too late for you to do it.

I wrote this poem, or song, or whatever you think it is, in Japanese… To practice my super weak Japanese. Well….. here i go. My first foreign piece of written art.

My translations are not good too… since I am trying to think in Japanese and write in Japanese and from Japanese translate to English, but the meaning still lies there… so yes.

「さようなら」言わないよ。
Sayonara,iwanai yo
Don’t say Goodbye

今、心がわれてしまった。。
ima,kokoro ga wareteshimatta
Right now, My heart is broken

引っ越した、絶対に君の声わすれない。。。
hikkoshita,zettai ni kimi no koe wasurenai
Moving away, I will never forget your voice

あの場所、遠いけど、いつまでも、気持ちを送てる
ano basho, tooi kedo, itsumademo, kimochi wo okuteru
That place, how far it can be, always, I’ll send my feelings there

悲しくて、うれしくて，どんな気持ち、always 君のとなりに聞いてる
kanashite,ureshite, donna kimochi, always kimi no tonari ni kiiteru
Sadness, Happiness, whatever the feelings, always, next to you, I’ll listen to you

どうして。。涙こぼれた。。
doushite, namida koboreta
Why do these tears overflow

メモリー。。心にあるよ。。。
memories, kokoro ni aru yo
Memories, always in my heart

好きになった、ずっとあなたの笑うおぼえてる。。
suki ni natta, zutto anata no warau oboeteru
I have liked you, Always, I’ll remember your smiles.

この所.。。寂しいけど、いつまでも、歌を書いてあげる。。
kono tokoro, sabishii kedo, itsumademo, uta wo kaite ageru
This place, how lonely, but always, I’ll write songs for you

悲しくて、うれしくて，どんな気持ち、always 君のとなりに聞いてるkanashite,ureshite, donna kimochi, always kimi no tonari ni kiiteru
Sadness, Happiness, whatever the feelings, always, next to you, I’ll listen to you

今でも、君がいない。。生活が変われた
ima demo, kimi ga inai, seikatsu ga kawareta
Right Now, there is no presence of you, my life has changed

そんな寂しい、そんな悲しい，誰もここにいない
sonna sabishii, sonna kanashii, dare mo koko ni inai
How lonely, How sad it can be, there is no one here…

君がいるとき、「好きだ」言わない。。
kimi ga iru toki,” suki da” iwanai
When you were here, I never said “I like you”

でも今は遅すぎた。。。
demo ima wa ososugita…
But right now, it is far too late.

There can be no one I can blame for it, but myself.

As I have written as the big headline of my blog. Yes. I “failed” the Monbusho interview. If you asked me whether it is difficult, I would say the questions were unexpected. My proposal was not in their interest, even though several professors had said my topic was interesting, my research topic was not interesting enough or convincing enough to prove that yes… there are these kind of changes in Japan.

I won;t tell you what my research proposal is, unless you asked me through email. Because I still need this for a PhD thesis, and i don;t want anyone to do the same topic as I do.

But I would share some tips for those who will have an interview with Monbusho.

1) Know your research topic, REALLY WELL.
2) RECITE all the theories you can that can lead to your topic. Because if you can;t recite the theories (In my case, 5 theories of _________, who wrote them) you fail.
3) Make sure you can convince them.
4) Make sure your topic is not too contemporary, entertaining, feminist…you know, you never know that no matter how liberal you think you are, there are still people who think against your ideologies.
5) Recite more theories if you can. If your topic is on media, figure out who is the first person who decides that media helps influence people, what he wrote, who argues against his case, add more theories that supports your ides……remember… THEORY THEORY THEORY.

Well….I can;t recite the theories… How was I to know that I need THEORIES to support my proposal …(when literature review is not needed), and even though I thought that should be in the stage of the “literature review” not proposal. I was never asked of my methodology, but only theories theories theories.

I can’t complain much. Cause I am not as intelligent as them, I didn;t learn to recite all theories from my Masters, and my topic is not ENTIRELY what i studied, cause my profession is on area studies, but i included two more mini topics within. It is part of the society in Japan, and I cannot take 1 year to eat down all the theories i can.

So What i’ll do now, is to get parents’ scholarship.
No need to even go for an interview.
I’ll get it for sure.
But for now, I am sick of this kind of competition. I am gonna work first then go for PhD….. Monbusho is out of the question.

This is the first time I lost. I tasted failure…..
And then, I learnt that….. I am not only unlucky in love, but also I can be unlucky in game as well.