I am in the stage of depression right now.

I know i have almost everything in the world…. but something really bothers me, and I really don’t know what it is…

Maybe it is the project work that i am stress about…

Or those -nakerebanarimasen things bothers me…. its so confusing…

or maybe it is my muses that wants to write so badly, yet i havent wrote out ideas…….for ages…

The sky isn;t so bright as before…

Inspiration needed.

Have you ever wondered who made the rules for these gender roles?
Who set the rules that women should be the one at home… and men to go out there to work?
Who sets the rules that men should be masculine and not care about their looks.
Who sets the rules the women should be the one who raise the child, and should not be out there to work because it is a huge duty of a mother to look after the child?

How i want to find the person who sets these gender roles and shake him hard.
First of all, women during the Muromachi period in Japan was not that oppressed. It was  “Confucianism” that came along brought these rules that women shouldn’t be in those fields to work, and be at home instead to work INSIDE the house. But then, guess what, they brought these gender roles over to Japan, and there it began…. the oppression of women and still exists today. I thank you so much.  Confucianism had its good points too, but what I cannot accept is how his ideas brought to Japan during that period had transformed Japan.  But it is not right to only blame Confucianism. Tokugawa shogunate was the one who thinks that it is right to introduce to the society.

But then the Meiji era came along, and women had to be the “ryosaikenbo”….. you know those Wise mothers, Good Wives” concept. Some feminist would still like to keep that, but it is not wrong if you had the choice. My choice is not to be a housewife. I didn;t get a Masters to be a housewife, and i wont get even a bachelor if i had to stay at home and raise a child.  I rather be single if I was forced indoors.

But then, gender roles in general, who made them?
The Westerners also have those concepts of gender roles too, but then, they aren;t my interest to  write about them.

Metrosexuals are said to be label as gays. But I could say…. being a man who love beauty does not EQUALS gay. because men can love beauty, women can love adventures…. men can wear makeup….. women can wear pants…. and so, why do men like pretty boys are labelled as gays if they like to have a great appearance? They are loads of gaymen who loves beauty, but there are REAL men who love beauty…

Anyway, i just disagree with gender roles……some of them are alright but then who says that men could not wear long hair? who says men cannot look feminine and beauty, or even love cooking? Who says women could not go out and work, have independence and all….or even have a job while they have children at home?

All it comes back to social expectations.

My next intellectual discussion will be  on ….. men-men relationship.

I guess something has started inspires me to write these ways again!

I am rather happy that It is all coming back to me!

I have been reading this really good book called, “J Horror, the definitive guide to the ——–” and I really think the author has a great perspective of viewing things. There are alot I would say I agree with his arguments, and the similarities of Asian horrors does not always links back to J Horror. I think Asia herself shares a similar cultural background, religious beliefs and the confucian traditions, making several Asian nations shares alike ideas to one another.

Asia is still very much an oppressed place where females are still being submissive towards male-dominance societies, and that women are being the main characters of horror movies, being the woman who is filled with grudge and takes revenge on those who harm her. Women are not being demonized, but a object for people to fear. Perhaps, the authors of these horror wanted to show the power of women which not all people would be able to experience. It is the haunting of women that will scare everyone on the face of earth. Women can be scary too. And I can be scary too.

I was just having a thought.

What if one day, I die, which i don;t really have to use the word “if” because I know I will die anyway, Would I be able to choose between heaven, hell and stay on earth? I think staying on earth gonna be cool. Then  I can be a ghost and haunts after those evil social ills of society. That will be great. Like…. haunting after those who demonized women, who are sexist (Do i need to haunt down the whole population of males?), and also those woman who sleeps around and creating such a bad reputation of other women. I will definetely do that. Well-behaved women somehow, remain unnoticed. So I am gonna be the one who punishes those evil ills of society, hurt those people psychologically…I think that will be great.

Sadako puts the curse on everyone who watches the videotape. she wants the curse, the sorrow of her death to be known and people have to make copies so they would not die. And Kayako.Is that her name? The mother from Ju-On? Well, she haunts everyone who enters the house, the curse will stay with the person and follows after the cursed one, and from this, like a virus, the curse is being passed on.

I should also be something legendary like that. Because human are so evil, God would not punish them, do you think there should be someone to haunt them and punish them instead? To be an individual is great, but to be one and bring inconvenience to another is unforgivable. And if you represent yourself as part of the collective system, for instance, a student under a department, you ought to actually, “BEHAVE” and not create the tree of apples to be rotten because of your unacceptable behaviour. For instance, Thai women had been demonized and looked down because there are a few percentage of women who are making the name bad. I am a Thai woman and I would say I am extremely well-behaved and I am nothing like those stereotypes of Thai women other people had generlaized onto us. I have LOADS of Thai friends who are women and I could say……. nearly every single person I know, heardly come close to those stereotypes. Learn your facts by experiences, not stereotypes.

And so I have written such a long post. I am becoming more feminist each day,  but since there are like several types of femnist, I surely belong to one category. Dont really care to figure out. I just love how women are being represented in horror movies. something to be afraid of. Unlike AV when women are objectify into sexual objects,  I love Sadako who is so scary and strong. Tomie’s views are radical, but I am not to her extreme. I will let her do that job in killing evil men then.

If you ain;t evil, then don;t worry.

Yes, Tegoshi Yuya. I meant you.
I read from uwasako’s livejournal on how Tegoshi and Becky might be dating and all, and then boom! another news came over and said how Tesshi was rejected and is still in a state of…….sadness and welcome to heartbreak club.

Well, honey, this is life. Your prettiness does not always win girls’ heart……..at least you won mine, but then, poor Tesshi….. dont be afraid of women. I am one, but does not really act like one…..which means i am only a little less masculine than you are, so you dont to have to be afraid of me that much…
Just happen to aim for higher than what you think I shoudl aim for, and learn martial arts to prepare to protect you, and likely to have a PHD in the future to scare you.

haha. But I won;t reject you even if Sho-chan chases after me. (But you know I love Sho too) so……anyway….Hope Tegoshi’s gonna be fine if it happen to be like the insider’s reports and all!

So I ended up making a few mistakes that i know I have made, yet i think i am likely to not get less than an A -.
OMG, I did loads of BSing in the interview part, but haha…I guess I was kinda fluent at some point. hohoho

anyway….. something deep
Well, I think I honestly have this kind of attachment to people who i get close to, and that makes me always so upset when I had to part them. Do you have this kind of attachment too? And moreover, I am a very very jealous person, when someone steps into the life or the world of the people i truly love and I fear that the someone might replace me as their sidekick, best pal or whatever, I just want to be irreplaceable. Because that is how i treat everyone I love.
My best friend right from Grade 11, is still my best friend for he is the only one who knows every single part of me, every darkest secrets, and the brightest days…….
My best honey…. like more than a soultwin to me, more than a friend to be still remains as that forever,

But yet, I still feel that I want to be irreplacable….

Forget that…. being too emotional..

Sometimes… watching too much dramas which involve evil bastards (husbands) and wicked bitches (mistresses) makes me want to be become officially a lesbian or maybe just a woman who marries a bisexual…. who is only a male to me… but is rather gay….. I would actually prefer my guy to have an affair with a dude then a chick. Well…. cause I ain’t one sexy, seductive  girl… I am just educated, respected, well-behaved young girl who hates those women who degrades themselves by sleeping around.

That explains why I loev Tegoshi so much. Ain;t too masculine….. and that makes me feel kinda save. If he has  GF, that gf might have a high tendency of being a lesbian. I DO!

I remembered my first few crushes .. was with a tomboy in my primary school!!!
I dont think I like that person like love… I just feel very attached to her, and hated it when i see her enjoying herself more than she is with me. But That was just my closest time of being a lesbian.

But eventually… I might be a bisexual… who knows… I still like feminine men, and masculine girls after all….. I am rather quite masculine myself.. hahaha

anyway… been too relaxed today!
GTG

And so, My Friday the 13th went really well…. Jason didn;t find me, so I was rather upset.

Though I could order him who to slay that night.
I scared Freddy off when i met him in the nightmare, and then I went on watching comedy movies like Bloody Valentine, Saw, Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc alone at the dark corner of the room, haha. It was all so funny.

Okay I am getting readers’ scared of my weirdness…
This is just a strategy of how I am still able to shut myself into my own world….and scare off people who i dont welcome to my world. Once they are in my world, they will see a different face of me.

Not too scary but still scary at times…. That is how my individuality works.

I guess Valentine is so overated.
Everywhere, there are booths selling those valentines lovey dovey stuff….
So bored of this day …… single as always… and still want to be single.

It is just awesome to just have crushes….
No commitment… and we could also like several people in one go.
Like right now…. Tegoshi, Sho, Yamapi, MatsuKen…… blah blah Zac Efron…
You know you can to fanatasize more boys.
Prefer that way!

see ya

On the train every single morning on weekdays, I have thoughts flowing though me.
Watching the people around me standing and squeezing  on to one another  like sushi in a bento box,
If i have the power to read their minds, I would actually be so troubled….

There are still loads of strange people on trains……
There was this man  met twice who seems to be the highschool outcast….. a rare type of salaryman who looks freaky…….or maybe just hs experience. He ate his breakfast on the train, slowly pushing the bread into his mouth, and the way he ate s rather disturbing……The other day, he read some sort of magazine… and stared so hardly …..if he stared longer, the paper might have a huge hole.

There was a kid and his maid I met like…. almost everyday, and he was actually really cute…… Seeing little kids makes me wanna see into his future. Well, I just hope that innocence shall not disappear as quckly as how youngsters these days behave. Hardly a teen and there you see them having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Are they really in love wth each other, or or there just basically, want to get attention, want to know what it is like, being curous of things and also the thoughts that are more adult-like…

It will be like 2 more days to Valentine’s…… well dear, a romanticist like me would actually shower my blog with poems and chessy lines…….but it will not happen……….I honestly still love Tegoshi ALOT. and Sho-chan too, but then each day can be valentine if you still have the love going on.

I usually go against the norms….. people celebrate valentine, i wll celebrate friday the 13th…

Because like I always say, I am so different. I hate to flock together with the big crowd because it is my individuality that stands out.

So Valentine’s not so special…. cause it is not only that day which you can show your love to the person you love…..desu ne. It is just the only one special day that people show their love…… but you yourself dont have to only reserve yourself for this day to show your love.

Well soo….

I gotta go again….

Just got to remind myself about detaching myself from other people….

Sometimes in life, one needs to step away from imaginations and bring feet back to reality. That is something I find hard to do. My mind often snapped so far off reality, that I want to get back on track.

I think meeting more people makes me feel insecure and I really love the person who I am, and dont want to change it….Oh God……I feel like a high schooler who had an identity disorder. . .
Yesterday, I shared my concerns with one of my best friend from high school and since he is the kind of person who always be there for me and accepts me for the person I am, I am so happy to have a friend like him.

I think looking for a true friend is really hard.
Classmates will just be classmates at the end of the day.
Even when you are chatting and sharing loads of things in common, does not mean that the friendship gonna last.
At this point in life, I know, mine is not gonna last at that tokoro.

Another point is that I wonder why I need to be someone attached to people that easily. That is the thing i hate most about myself. Once I get to know more people, I am afraid to be attached to them, and as times goes on, when i need to part, I shall sulk….
URGHH…..
STOP FEELING ATTACHED TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
I never wanna feel attached to the people i will only know for a year. I dont want like a serious friendship when i know their world and mine aren;t the same.

I shall remind myself for the third time, I shall only choose to stand at my world here. I dont invite people who does not belong to that world…..and i won;t move away. Even if one day, i might leave it, I shall never change my hatred for parties with unknown strangers, my hatred for those people who does not accept differences, and stuff…

As I stood in this world today, I am not going to change my point view…… stubborn again i know…
but you see… that is what makes me different. I have an individuality that I am proud of… and with a few friends who i opened my world to.

This is my second entry for the day.

How happy. I managed to squeeze out my inspiration abit when they have all been dried up by my busy days.

Honestly, I just hope my world involves a few people……so there would be less troubles.

As for love… I wonder If i would ever will eventually have one!
But i guess not so soon. I don;t want anything to be the barrier for me to reach my goals.

Since my weakest point is to fully get involve with people, i think i should create boundaries to distance myself from others. Because I had to get hurt when I had to see them away. I may sound selfish, but this is the only way for me to be strong…….and to be mentally, psychologically stable!

My life back in Thailand just does not make me feel intellectual (OMG…..) like i was when i had the space and freedom to think for myself. That was my happiest moment because I do not need to be influenced by any, but my self and I think I kinda understand why hikikomoris prefer to stay inside and develop their own intellectual without getting in touch with the outside world.

The outside world is knda alright, but i just don;t like to make myself  suffer by losing my individuality. I used to say how collective i was back in the Master classes. That is because I am in a society where the people are somewhat like me, and they are just as great in accepting my opinions and my individuality. This is why I am able to walk into that world and slowly try to blend myself to the collective.

However, the reason I only want to open my world to ONLY a few people is because I don’t wanna be influence, I dont want to be this little twig that leans to the stronger trees….. I want to stand strong on my own, no matter how opinionated i am, or how confident I am of myself, I shall be in the place where I should be respected. Might sound a bit stubborn, but i love the individuality I have, and I had to change it.

I dont want to be someone I don;t know…..
So I shall say, I am stand strong and shall not give away my individuality.

I have been going to the gym so often that my body has been so used to the pain of muscles (or fat) soring…I feel so sadistic…. why spend like nearly a hundred thousand to get our bodies tortured???
HAHA. But i had fun so far… at least I dont need to go out in the sun, i am happy enough,.

In my high school days. I was the PE skipper. The outcast and loner who does not, and hardly belongs to any world at all. I have my own individuality since was really young, so my personality is too eccentric and strange for people….I would say I am rather a bit full of myself but then you know, i have been educated for so so long, meet kinds of people, so i am rather experienced just by observing random people. And yet, I still do not belong to a world now.
This is why I always wanted to go back to 2007 where i found a place where i could belong. That is those JAL friends of mine who finds me strange but they accepts the strangeness in me, and that is why I treasure them alot.

Very much unlike High school, I can hardly find a place where i could belong. I could only find individuals, but still too eccentric…..In University, again, I am an individual and I am pretty much hanging out with one or four pals…..and one lover…(Oops…. not a lover as in…lover. Someone who really love as a friend…..)

Right now, being brought out from my individualist world in Australia where i had so much inspiration and great ideas flowing, I am in a mental stage where i need to express. I do not belong to this world again, and should i shut myself in the world of my own just like high school again?
I think i am too mature to do that now.
the world won;t be long before i leave an enter a new world where i might either find a another place where i could blend into without changing my individuality, or where i could, like in sydney.

So then, what would be there for me,
for me to choose….