Humans must have done something bad in their past lives.
That is why humans are born, and had to suffer with sadness, repression, rejection, failures.
Or perhaps some lead a great life, but there will surely be a time in life, when they feel depress..
Life after all is never perfect.

I took my precious 2 hours writing my novel in Esplanade with my best sidekick…(I was meaning my laptop) and I think i concentrate much better outside. Maybe there is something at home that does not inspires me anymore. I am like a cloud. I need to seek for places where inspiration runs best for me, and I know that home is no longer the place I could rely on. Inspiration there fade to exists. Unlike my small dorm in Sydney, I guess it is location and environment that gives me inspirations.

And so, why am I so pessimistic these days, I hardly understand myself.
Maybe its the books I read. It is sad that this world after all is male dominant, and being female, there are things I AM UNABLE to do.

for instance, to go to a host club and experience liberation from those expected female attitudes.
Apparently, host clubs in Thailand as far as I know, only exist and is catering to gays rather than women.

Unlike Japan, I might attend one…..just one day. I don;t drink so I would just want to buy an experience there. to know the fantasy world that  some women wanted to experience. Or in the world where is male- dominant, women are now being served instead of women doing the serving, how nice. I should find a boyfriend who does stuff for me. Chiaki-sama from Nodame is really a good candidate. Even though he is at times sooo mean and cold, i think he really cares for people.

Anyway, back to host clubs, why are women the one doing the serving most of the time? It is a gender role again.. hahaha but then in host clubs, it is the only place where women escapes to her fantasy world, where she is treated like a queen, and the cute, hot guys serves her with drinks, comfort, and understanding. It is where they consume happiness. Happiness might never really exists for feminist who is tired of the  men will have a better chance in anything crap.

Even a feminist like me still think men sometimes, are actually better……like….. I didn;t want a female PT. A male PT is like good enough. Because in generally, i do not like women who are too “art” and hard to understand. I think masculine girls are actually good, but only if they do not show off too much.

I have a confession to make! Like I really like this boyish girl who plays the Wadaiko, we met her in Kanazawa. I thought a girl like that makes a good girlfriend. Oopps… i am being too much of a lesbian again.

At the end of the day, I think i might eventually be one.
The more I meet more guys and a great number of them are being so useless and annoying, it increases my irritation i have for boys, and made me into a girl who likes the middle lane. Feminine Boys (not officially gays yet) and masculine, humble girls.

yeah. I am getting more confused of my gender identity each day.