My dear blog….

Sometimes, I stay up and wonder……
Has people I know in this real life EVER CARED to read my blog?
I mean there is hardly anything private in here….Cause I am an extrovert… pretty much of an open book if I get to like you.

But then, the great suspicious thing is………
Lately,I have been writing my own destiny..
I know I never had those kind of ESP and something.
Coincidences. does. exists.

I love to have my voice heard….
But if my voice has been heard, would you still accept me for my ideas, my emotional thoughts and my feminist behaviour, liberal and independent personality which contrasts from the group of people I am with?

I feel that I am so different. Is it wrong to be different and independent in this country where I need to always put on a fake personality in order to fit in?
Honestly, sometimes, I miss friends who are all overseas so much. Because people like Praew can totally accept me. Note, my best best guy friend is so wonderful, he always listens to me, gives me best advices and he is really “genki” like me. and some other people…..too.

I totally feel comfortable around people who can listen to my thoughts and opinions. Because that is when I realise that in this country, there is just a few times which I can actually take off my mask and stop acting like a hyprocrite.

Daddy’s home. Miss him so much.
I am signing off to talk with him.

If someone who knows me is reading this post, could you too, accept me for who I am. If you can, could you please drop me a comment….. or tell me next time you see me? Just give me a little hope that I can actually add more “understanding” friends I have on my list, and put on my best smile when I am around. Because there would be no borders…..and you will then find who I really am inside. And how much I cherish those friends…….for life.

If you are old enough to remember the great movie, Matrix, you would have remembered the legendary scene of the “Blue” and the “red” pill. At that time, I did not make a big fuss what they are. But lately, ever since I became more philosophical and more insightful, i became to analyze things deeply, but of course, I still stand on the room where the world is filled with flowers. Wearing the rose tinted glasses and seeing the world with it.

So the blue pill which I have been taking for ages, and maybe a small taste of the red pill at times, but right now, the red pill was shoved right before my eyes, and there is no other choice. The truth I have been hoping for, wishing for and think it is, is no longer reality. The rose tinted glasses I have been wearing breaks, and the reality hit real hard on me. Why is it so hard to accept the truth, when you think that the truth you have been living in, is just merely just your imaginations?

I blame it all on my great anti-social behavior. Because I only have a small group of friends and individual friends, and those friends are those who live in my world. I hardly never step out from it, when a friend steps out and enters into a new world, I get so depressed and feel sad.

However, I have been exposed to several red pill reality in the world. I researched about stuff and there i see the ugly reality behind things. The only thing that still remains pretty much clean and decent is my views on love.

I know full-heartly, how much of a romanticist i am, How much “Tegoshi” I am, and that is actually not very healthy for me when I step into the real world and found that these views on love I have, are actually so much of a fairytale-like. I am optimistic about it, and that time had made those views even brighter and more unrealistic.

It is not that I am weak, it is me being far too optimistic about my views.
Perhaps the reason, I kinda would like to be in a relationship, but dare not to, is because of two great reasons. First, I don;t want my fantasies to be taken away, since I am such a newbie to relationships ( I am a coward) , secondly, I am a perfectionist. I try to make everything perfect, that is why i often make myself hurt when things does not go my way.

Things will not go my way, I remind myself, I need to be more mature in accepting reality which I am far too positive, far too optimistic about. Now, the red pill was somewhat the only choice that I had to take, the blue pill I would actually miss alot of it. Tomorrow as I wake up in the morning, there would be new things about me. The rose tinted glasses of love had dimmed down, and that i would slowly travel down to the rabbit’s hole, to find how deep……it goes.

I would be signing off, being really emotional tonight.
My darling is going back to England and it would be 8 weeks til we meet again.

angelofdevotion deshita.

I am running out of topics to write.
But I am thinking of one right now……
Oh. I painted my nails black.

Welcome back to the Gothic season.

Well then, even though, by reading my blog, you could just easily read me like a book.
By just talking to me, and getting to the part where i became an extrovert and would  be willing to tell everything to you, then you have been welcome to my world. That is how I always will be, and furthermore, I really feel that I have been accepted once i reached to the extrovert part.

If you see me, you may think, that gothic, punk girl seems so scary. Look at her black nails, her super scary accessories, etc…..but if one really gets to know me, I think, there is nothing evil about me. I may be sadistic when talking about revenge, but honestly, I came to the age of maturity that I think, that nothing is gonna be better if I took revenge on people. Because i think those who had done bad, some day, when they do it to others, they will receive a bad reputation, and that is where they just end there.

I have a few people I have on my black list who i wanted to take revenge on, but honestly again, why on earth should I spend my single second of precious time which I could use to increase my knowledge, in taking a revenge to feel my satisfication of the thing they had done to me before?  Not worth it at all. I took a small way out. They will end up embarassing themselves, creating a bad reputation of themselves, because I never and would never hurt anyone. If I don;t like them, I just don;t talk to them, but i don;t like to hurt feelings. I don;t want my feelings to get hurt either.

I am sure if i met those people who had hurt me again, I would just be mature, give them a smile ( a wicked one, like the one which shows my superiority over them). But then, you know, I don’t think i should throw a tantrum, or even scream because that would make me lose. I am a not a little girl anymore.

I could say I have been bullied back in school, teased so much, that I am so sick of groups, so sick of loads of people around, sick of those people who can put me under their inferior list. So What i did, was use my abilities to climb over them all, show them that I had gone to uni, way before them, and I am indeed the youngest student in my whole class, and now the student who got her masters when others still got their bachelors. Now, I want more. I might die because of greed, but this is my revenge back to those people who had hurt me. I am just gonna go up there, as high as I can, and there I shall look at you, and thank you for making me so strong, that make me this successful.

That only applies to people who had “hurt” “bully” (you name it) me

For those who I like and still pretty much like, I am still there with you. I do not step higher than you, because I want to be a friend who will walk, and always be beside you. And if i like you more, I would even do anything to make them happy. Make them feel that my accompany would make them feel really special.

God. Its so late again.
I think I am gonna cry tmr.

I wrote this post around end of last year.

http://angelofdevotion.wordpress.com/2008/12/12/the-ideals-2008/

And my ideals have not yet changed.
The only thing I would like to include is, The person must not be sexist.

I cannot stand those kind of people.

God. I love my blog. I love my outspoken ideas, and i need a change of place.
I don’t want to be the nail that needs to be hammered down all the time.

In Thailand, I am already half bended from being hammered down too much.
I hold to my independence and individuality, I have unique ideas to life…………….and that creates who I am……..

My Japanese classes are getting more and more difficult!!!!
But I am never gonna give up. I never want to give up. This is a dream I want to achieve, I want a PhD to climb up the ladder, and a PhD to actually show that I am capable of fulfilling what I want. I just want to be someone who people will see me as a someone. Moreover, loads of people are getting Masters and it seems that it worth less than it used to. Therefore, I want to climb up to the highest place just to make my life somewhat, valuable.

Now, On to my destined topic. “Heart or Head”

Notice that I put Heart before Head and it does not mean I am using my heart more than my head. I believe that my heart guides me where I want to be, but once I am on that path, i need to look before I leap and think with my head to make things the best I can.

My dream is to be a novelist. But that cannot be achieved. I need something more realistic. Like be a professor is more of a “reality” then a novelist. Novelist is what my heart desires, professor is what my head tells me i should do to be socially accepted. That is my head for the path to the future I am walking on. But what would it be like when it comes to things like relationship???

Ha, who am I to even say when I am not in one?
Head sounds better to me though. That is where reasons come out from. With only the heart, you are gonna suffer alot from the various doubts you have, but with the head, you are being able to at least be sensible and logical.But the heart is actually the one that brings you into a relationship. Too much of the head in selecting someone would be more of “selecting some one who you can take advantage of and live together” and too much of the heart would be “i am not thinking anything else at all, apart from, I like this person and I don’t see it further into the future”

Head and Heart need to fusion one another, and you can choose to love a person who you feel attached or comfortable with, but you got to use your head to think, “Is this the person you think you can live your whole life with? Is this the person who you want to share the same roof and would always be there for her?”

Wait a minute. I am going too far. People have different categories for girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives. Please excuse my seriousness.

For girlfriends and boyfriends, I guess, heart is more of the device they use.
God. I should just stop writing this topic.
I am such a serious person, so actually if i were in a relationship, I would actually think of the far far future. I have a 5 year plan ahead of everything I do, to make sure I don’t get panicked when I have no back-up plan.

Sigh……where did my inspiration went again?

I need some stimulation in life, really…

I have written in the very last post about wanting so bad to write about this topic.

Relationships can indeed be the thing that makes one smile even at the most darkest hours of the night, and the thing that makes one frown at the brightest hours of the day. But in every single relationship, there is something called “reason” which will make the relationship stronger.

Relationship is not how about one person getting all she wants. It is how you manage to live and make the other person comfortable and let her/him be themselves while being with you. Each person should also try to change themselves in order to get along, but still hold the individuality you have. If you can find a person who accepts the way you are, that would be great. There is no need to change a whole load of yourself.

Reason, as I mentioned, is indeed very very important. Because sometimes, some women can be really unreasonable. They don;t listen to reasons and if their bfs cancelled their date because of something important he has to do, you sure would need to be very displeased about that. No matter what reasons he has.
I believe that, if the reasons is sounding, then one should understand and stop being immature, fussing about all those empty promises he has. But on the other hand, the reason women are so pissed off when men canceled their dates is because women usually are anticipating to see you guys. They cherish you guys so much, and they want to be next to you. So by calling off, it shattered their dreams.

Reason is something hard to even reason out, since it depends on the reasons the person is giving. For instance, the person cannot go out on a date BECAUSE he has to meet his family members, or stuck at work and need to clear the paperwork, or even to do something important. But the point of view of the women is different. Even though you may think they are so understanding, they might be sad, because they are waiting this time to spend with you.

So what should you guys do? I don;t even know. I was never in a relationship. Even If i were, I would actually believe in everything he tells me, and find it reasonable. Because basically, I put my trust in people too much, that I end up getting hurt. I never want to trust people again, but i failed too. I am too gullible, too naive and listen to all reasons and thinks sometimes, it makes sense. Just because I never think people is gonna let me down, when most of the time, I have been let down.

What I am missing in life, is human interaction.
I don;t hang out with large groups of people, and only be DAMN attached to people who I find them pleasant and I like their presence beside me. And once I fully give all my trust to that person, sometimes, my whole world crashes down easily.

I don’t know what I would be like when i am in a relationship.
-I do not want to be the kind of girl who won;t listen to reasons. Cry, whine and fuss about not getting what she wants.

-I’d hate to be the type of girl who complains all day about her guy not having enough time for her. Just a phone call or sms (s) each day might do, don;t have to meet each single day, because I NEED MY OWN SPACE TOO. I HAVE A LIFE that does not only belong to that person. I need time to write THIS BLOG.

- I like to be spoiled and have the attention, but then honestly, I should stop that idea and grow up. I would like to be taken care of, but being too overprotected makes me feel like……I am at home.

- But honestly, I don’t like long distance relationships. Cause I cannot help it when I think where he is now, what is he doing? Hurts me too much when I get overly imaginative. Even though I would trust him, but then, dude….. can men really be trusted? People these days are dangerous. They can take away things that actually has an owner.(referring to the women who take “taken” men away)

So in conclusion, I guess, i would not be involve in any relationship now. I would be flying around for a bit, I don’t like my life in Thailand that much. I don’t like to feel that a hammer is nailing me now because i am different and stick out from the crowd. I want people to accept me for who I am, and would not say that I should be like others. I need to be independent and have thoughts that creates a unique “me”. Now I am using some brains to write this kind of emotional stuff.

Next topic, would likely be Head Vs Heart.
It’s at a battle for a thousand years.
See if I could write tmr.

I was totally worn off today too!
I went to Siam to get a book or two for my cousin, and went to Granny’s house.
Nothing so important.

But then, a thought came to my mind.
I don;t know why, but i just want to be better than I am now, much better, for instance. smarter, having a nicer personality, be better experienced, be prettier, be slimmer, and just be a kind of girl who keeps on climbing up the social and success ladder. I feel inferior towards people all the time. I feel that i am never good enough. I am never successful enough, and I am not the best player in the game called life.

It is called inferiority complex.
Because since I was young, I was always the inferior. I was never good in school , and being a foreign school girl in a school than does not speak my native language, it is really hard to even communicate.

When I was back in my own birth country, once again i feel inferior. The inferiority which I have was that, I can hardly speak Thai properly. I have been teased by people (classmates) by my strange Thai, and my Singlish accent. Not a very happy school life, I know. But I changed myself, practice my accent and pronunciation to a pure American accent and now I can even imitate loads of different accents.

I have achieved alot, i know, yet somehow I still feel inferior to others, once in a while. I was never good enough for anyone. I tried, and I lost so much of my individuality, and I am lost in what people are expecting of me, and what I expect of myself to be.

The depression of that inferior complex made me feel that sometimes, i never wanna face the real world because I really hate it to lose. I rather be something that would not have to compare myself to others, in fear that i would be inferior to them.

This is why I am such a Type A person. I just want everything to be perfect, when it will never be, I am just so serious in every single thing, when I even know that things won;t be much better if i am too serious. I need to ease the tension, i need to ease the depression that is holding within me.

Mommy told me that I need to try to be less serious with things. Because I would eventually be such a pessimist, and who knows what I would be like IF i eventually have a family of my own? I can be optimistic, but once i am pessimistic, I would be on the other extreme.  My world is either white or black. Either I love you very very much, I feel nothing at all, or I hate you very very much.

But I usually love people more. haha. I dont have loads of people to hang out with, because of there are things i dont like about them, i kinda have a i don;t wanna hang out with you kinda feeling. I should change.

I should bite my tongue and accept that there are at least something good about these people, or at least, they kinda make the world different.

I need to stop being so serious and take a deep breathe, have fun and enjoy life. I should at least make sure that everything does not need to be perfect, I am the best i can be, and the ppl around me are the best they are. By that, I can stop worrying and accept reality without being so obsessed to bring everything to perfection.

When selecting a partner, I got to understand, that nothing is perfect. I can never have everything go my way, and I cannot force the person to live up to my expectations. I want to live up to his expectations so I can make the relationship last a bit longer, but i do not need a guy if he decides to change my whole individuality and character. I want him to accept who i really am, and i want me to accept who he is. I just only want to be irreplaceable, to be special, and to have a special smile and look in his eyes which he only shows it to me.

Next following post would be a reminder to myself of how i should behave in a future relationship. Because i have seen too many girls being too too too moody and spoiled in a relationship that she gets really pissed off when she didnt get what she wants. I dont wanna be that type of girl. I am quite reasonable, so I would just mark a reminder about myself for that.

I have not updated for a few days. I am going to stop ranting about politics for now, since I am extremely exhausted from making judgments, and bitching about other people.Tired of those troublesome things that I have to always anaylze and make it sound convincing and smart.

I just gonna write on personal rants for a while. I am gonna place an importance with my own self, since I am in a state of confusion and depression these days. I have been much better with Praew’s accompany. if not, I may be falling deeper into my own world then I am in now.

Anyway…. My saturday was tiring.

I had a class on Saturday. A Japanese language class which was totally difficult and I was so tired from Friday’s lack of sleep, 4 hours of Japanese, a few hours of transportation, hot sun, and my 1 and a half hour or so of body-training in the gym which I can actually consider it to be my second home.

Then I had another 5 hours of  sleep again……and Saturday’s morning are supposed to be the National sleeping day, I had to force myself to get up at 7.30 to get prepared for class. Energy was drained out and i feel someone sucking my life energy. (Just wish someone would actually take my blood. I am infatuated with vampires and that person is not from Twilight.) I learnt stuff, and went home after the class, and receive my graduation cert in a big ass envelope from Sydney Uni that I passed my masters.

My debut time was there…… I had my karaoke session at home… from around 5- 11 pm. That is hella long hours of singing. But I love singing. I like to express myself through the lyrics, and I like songs which contrasts with my personality. For instance, those really…. flirty, naughty songs. Apparently, I do not have the guts (I nearly type “balls” over here, but for your information, I am biologically female) to actually be too flirty and naughty “in practice” so I just express it through my other secret blog, and through singing, writing and also talking about it.

But trust me. I have never even step into a club. I have never even given a hot stranger a “I am so damn interested in you” look. I have never done things that would make my future husband (whoever he will be, the future is not for us to see) thinks I am totally wasted.I was never drunk, I just pretended to be drunk (after drinking MILK) And I am not a 14 years old girl. I am 22. This is how decent I am.

Yeah. I am the type of stereotypical girl who stays at home being innocent (not so innocent), gets online and write boring blog entries like this one.And I fangirl on really cute celebrities, and in the end of the day, I go home and complain about my status in life of why I have been lucky in game and was never lucky in love. Never-once-I was lucky-in it.

Anyway, I mentioned about my new blog. It is nothing too important. Just my darkest (juiciest) blogs are written there. I cannot express it in this place because, my identity has been exposed, and there are people who knows me reading it, therefore, I am not gonna reveal. Knowing too much about someone is scary.

I have written quite loads today.
Can;t wait til next week. Gonna meet my darling Praew again.
It’s nice to have someone who you can really open your own self to. And someone who can tell you about things ……and we learn from each others experience. This is why I love Praew so much. We understand one another, and share our thoughts, secrets and experience. That is why she is so irreplacable. (If there is just a guy who actually knows me at least half of what she knew about me, then its gonna be awesome. )

Anyway, I gotta go and torture myself in my sleep. Been having wicked dreams these days. Dreams can be evil. They can be really really evil and have such an effect on me the very next day.

After I have bitched so much about politics in my journal, I would like to be more sensible in my post, using better analysis of the events of Thailand’s Black Songkran.
The Red-Shirts who firstly created a chaotic scene in Bangkok right before our nation’s most important long holiday, firstly block the most important intersection of the roads of Bangkok, Victory Monument over last Thursday. The traffic in Thailand has already been known to be extremely bad during evenings, yet the taxis that blocked the intersection had caused such an inconvenience to the citizens of Thailand, and the children who were in the cars would probably be traumatized by such event. The blue sky turned dark, with stormy clouds gathered around the area during the hours of the closure, people saw this as a forecast of the heaven’s anger against those red shirts.

The protest kept on, the next day, PM Abhisit announced it as a national holiday. This was to avoid any inconvenience to people who have to work for the next day. The red-shirts were still there, trying to urge our good government to resign in order to bring the criminal, convicted, ousted ex-PM Thaksin back to destroy our country. Saturday, was a shame to our nation, and our reputation as Thailand has been gone. The ASEAN Summit +3 +6 was held in Pattaya, with leaders from ASEAN as well as Japan, Korea, Australia, China, New Zealand and India. This was something very important for Thailand, since Thailand had spend such a long time in organizing this event and it was destroyed it just the first minute the protestors crashed into the hotel where the meeting was held. My friends who worked in the summit had to literally run for their lives since they were at the very building the protestors crashed into. The police were the one who gave them the convenience to get in the hotel, and surprisingly, do you think any police would actually allow that unless they recieve some bribes?

The ASEAN Summit was cancelled immediately, the leaders of the nations who ere there had to escape, and of course, this is the shame not only to our government but to our nation’s reputation. People blamed the government’s incapabilities of security within the building, and inability to tackle on the problem with the protestors. They went this far to force PM Abhisit out of his position because they “think” he has been undemocratically elected. However, they failed to understand that this was how Thaksin and his regime could get into the office as well. We never select for a PM. We select for the House of Representative to represent our PM, and the party with the most seats, along with the coalition government would be the one in the office. This was exactly how our dear PM got his place. The other parties agree to have a coalition government with the Democrats and they even vote for him in the ruling court. There is nothing unconstitutional or undemocractic about this, when this was also how the Thaksin regime got their position.
Jumping forward to the worst events to come, the leader of the red people to destroy Thailand’s reputations, was caught because of his actions that were against the law. Those people grew more violent than ever, Now, hijacking buses, putting them on fire, closing roads, stealing weapons from authorities, beating cars of ministers, hurting them, and it was Monday, when the situation was at its peak, the red shirts were so barbaric that citizens were furious with those people who now turned Bangkok into anarchy. They even confiscate, or literally use the gas tank truck from the gas company which has connections to the Shinawatra family, to threaten to bomb the city if they did not get want they want.

People complained about how the government were slow in restoring peace, but personally, if the government were to do anything or have any type of violence which led to bloodshed, human rights would be a topic which they will look into. However, this is maybe the first time in Thailand when the government actually respects the human rights (when I think they should have animal rights instead) and do not use violence to disperse the red shirts. The Government has been reasonable and patient, and use intelligence instead of violence to deal with a group of very violent people. The soldiers used the bullets used for training to disperse the gathering, and the government even provide buses for the red-shirts to return home. No one lost their lives. It was indeed a no -violence disperse of those rioters.

Citizens hated how violent they had become, since they were using citizen’s lives as a hostage to force the government to step down. The citizens of course, were people who are innocent and are unwilling to let that happen. Late at night, more citizens were against the red people, causing more violence as two lives were taken from by the red people.

Sure enough, on the other side, the government was doing at their best to control the situation. Thaksin went out on CNN, lying to the world on how he says the Thai people (which he assumes that all Thais, when actually it is only a small portion of that.) wants true democracry. HOW could it be possible that vote-buying is democracy? Thaksin went an awful interview, and less than an hour, PM Abhisit came and have an interview with CNN, revealing all the truth. This was their round one of debate. Thaksin went on BBC, showing as if his education were lacking, and answered yes yes yes no no no……Excuse me, but he was incredibly a fool on BBC. Abhisit came on after him, and made an intelligent interview once again, beating Thaksin.
As I speak, there are still demonstrations going on, but these were rather under control, yet there are chances of aftershock events to come. This morning, Bangkok Bank Silom branch and the CP Tower were threatened of bombs, (there is very close to where I learn Japanese) and it was extremely dangerous over there. It would be 2 more days when my classes would start again, I have no idea what would happen so I guess I would still be needing to go to class. You never know what would happen because even if the red leaders say that they will end, that maybe a lie. Their head leader said he will not intervene in any politics, but why is he here, creating such a revolution which threatens the reputation of his country?
There are still loads of things to consider. It had been a long day. Whether or not our country would be stable for the next few days, I would like to know myself. I just pray my best to the safety for all, especially PM Abhisit, who I trust and believe in. He is my hero, the man who save Thailand without violence, respect human rights, and he will be the man who shall make Thailand shine brighter by each day.

I am so glad that everything is so much better. The reds went home… a majority of them. The government really made a steady, patient and sensible move on those rioters. And there Thaksin blasted himself off his international news interview, trying to lie to the whole world yet the whole world could not have believe him since he is actually avoiding questions and replying without any sense at all!!!  PM Abhisit is extremely patient in asking these questions, and I am so pleased with how he deals with problems in Thailand.
I totally put my trust in him, and always will.