I think tmr, my life is going downhill…. when I recieve my Day 2 midterm results which I know I did not do well….. AT ALL. Too many things kept me busy and insane, and this time, I am gonna get bad grades I know…..but i still have my finals……to help me get a better grade..  I hope the scholarship understands that my grades are actually really good……I mean my masters results, therefore I hope that the conversion helps.

There is nothing I can do about it.
Honestly…..I got to move on, on the path I chose.

Still, I am lacking sort of motivation….
I will start calling up old friends who haven;t talked for a long time.
You know, in time, I will find a place I can belong…
I am waiting for Praew to come back……..just imagine she is next to me now…… as we go through these therapies together…..

You may wonder where on earth have I gone to. Yes. I was in the brink of being insane. I honestly need my great psycho-therapy sessions with my best friend but apparently we are living in two different countries and both are going insane….at the same time for different situations and need the therapy. soon.

Okay, my first situation. I think i have only 40 percent of getting the scholarship since I do not have a GPA because I use the Australian system which does not grades on GPA. Moreover,  haven;t yet find a professor who will be able to support me. But I think I will try on sending emails next week.

My second situation, I wanna go for PhD in Waseda, but apparently, I need to fly to Japan to take a written exam and an interview which if i get rejected, I am in trouble, baby.

I have one more choice, which isto go to Sophia Uni, but they only accept 3 candidates!!!
OMG my Phd life is not going smoothly…

End of my number one rant.

My number two rant, I find it hard to catch up with Japanese now, since it is getting so difficult. Well then, I am dropping off my A student position. I am depressed because I do my best, and I still cannot reach to the very top.

And my last and kinda depressing rant goes to…..some problems with the gym and me.

Well, something happened, so I won’t be having a trainer any longer. The sad thing is not only that I don;t get to be trained anymore, but it is not being able to have someone who actually trains well, speak English and is good in ice-breaking.  It is such a lost of asset for that gym to lose someone with that kind of qualification. Cause from now, I don;t have any motivation to go there anymore, let alone all kinds of torturing-the-body training.If i do those things myself, I just put 40percent of concentration in it.

This is the part when I need someone most, but when all the people I need, aren;t exactly at my side. I need Praew far away in London…..I need Note, far away in Kyoto. I need loads of other people for psychotherapy to at least listen to my troublesome life…. My life is crappy…I have truly fallen from my destiny.

I came up with something the other day. I would like to tell all of my readers…

Each footstep you took, leaves footprints behind…
There would be no way….going back to pick up the pieces…
Therefore, you never know when life would end…
Just treat everyday…. as it would be your last.

I am going to battle on Monday.

And a brain battle on Tuesday.
After that I need books to keep my sanity.
I need books to tell me that I am going to make it through all these depression I have.
GOD, I NEED TO GO AND SEE A SHRINK.

but those people won;t understand me either….. no one does. Except Praew. or maybe…..

Well…. I need Jason to take some revenge.
Jason Jason, come out….. come out.. Whereever you are..
There are some dudes who aren;t so decent around….
Just a a small amount of blood to spill…
Just a small scene for me to watch and chill…
Jason Jason, come out… come out…. where ever you are……..

My anti-social and psychotic personality strikes back everything the storm hits me.
But my vengeful self comes back..from time to time. Occasionally..

Good Night. I don;t know how long I would come and write again, but I can assure…. it;s not gonna be last.

Well then, I think I worked out too much yesterday.
My back is totally ………Well, it really really hurts.
I feel that my kidney has some bruises and stuff.
Or I am suffering from some bodily internal pain!!!

Going off to grandmother’s house tmr, a Japanese class on Monday, then off to the gym.
I am not sure if I would be able to work out haha…

I got nothing much intellectual to say, or no social criticism that I would like to make today. hahaah

I used to say that my “haru” season would be coming…….
Its not gonna come. And actually… it would be long until it will come.
There is this super old Asia song festival on TV…. THE old days when I still fangirl DBSK, and the time when there are still loads and loads of decent mature fangirls around.Would have to say right now, I find Junsu the cutest. I used to like Yunho, but sometimes, when a guy gets too much of a leader, I move away.That is entirely my fault. Blame it on my feminist spirit.

I just think Tegoshi still does not have that leadership. He still respects his Yamashita-kun, and loves people around him, using manipulation, instead of acting all laddish and being a leader….. but apparently, Yamapi is not so much of a bossy leader too……..not so full of himself. Maybe because it is cultural differences.

Well.. before I get flamed like I have been flamed before, I will stop talking about DBSK. They are cool. I like Junsu’s style. Yunho is just still cool. Micky is adorable. Hero has a nice smile. Changmin is smart. Yeah. That is gonna make fangirls happy.

But still Tegoshi is still my ichiban!

Anytime I didn’t write on this blog of mine, just a day or a few hours, I feel insecure and I have a desire to express alot.

So as I say, my life is filled with a storm after a storm, only a few moments of calm, then a storm again. Actually, I could not blame it on my life. It is my psychological state. I am not a psycho, just a girl who is often depressed, and hardly ever show how depressed I really am right now.

I couldn’t do my Japanese test today, it even increases the depression I already have. The reason for my depression is the fear of responsibilty and the fear of expectations, the fear of rejection, the fear of being isolated from the crappy society i find so hard to trust, to appreciate and to fit in. I am just so tired.If I have a chance, I want to be a bird to fly away, and never have to be bound, detaching myself from everyone in the world. Except Praew.

When would I ever do things right? When would I ever be appreciated for my ideas, and be heard from the bottom of my heart? I guess I will never have any sort of chance. In this country, like Praew once said, being independent means being like a guy. and being independent means I am so damn fucking close to be masculine that there is no trace of femininity left in me, apart from the fact that I am biologically female.

Great.

So i am labelled as being masculine because of my independence?
That is just so unfair. Why do stereotypes are the ones that determines where I stand in the gender line. If I get a PhD would I actually be single because normally, girls are those who are placed under the authority of the men. Sick and tired of this society.

I wanna scream out loud, that There would be no way that I will conform to the society and be feminine by being inferior to men, be there to serve men;s needs. What I need is an equality. I don;t care if the man cares for beauty. I don;t label him as gay. Know why? because i do not generalize people. I accept people the way they are, but some how, I never get to be accepted the way I am .

I am just so tired. I need a space to breathe….. just some space for me, to at least be appreciated. In this world, Praew is the only one who understands and appreciate me. That is why she is so important to me….. that is why I feel so insecure and depressed without her.

今日は私のきもちがわるいです。

私のタランナーは私に電話をかけて、それで、明日から、わたしのタランナーがいないよ。かなしくて、さびしくて、もう、あのひとはこれから、いません。。。

しょうがないな。。。。人の生活。自分のチョイス

今、、、気もちがわるい。。。。。でも。。。。。なにもできません。

No matter how much I listen to the Arashi’s Sakura Sake song, It really motivates me alot. I love the part when they say “There is no tomorrow behind you, look foward” Don’t you think that looking forward would only bring you to a better future? If you hold on too much onto the past, eventually, you are gonna be trapped within the glass of hopelessness…. This is how people learn to move on with their lives.

じゃ、今日は。。。。おやすみなさい。

The Monbusho is finally here!!!!!
But then I was just rejected by the professor whom I was aiming to have him as my supervisor…hahaa…..Things that are not mine, shall never be mine…. I though this way to let go off my sorrow. But then, I am asking a few other professors to supervise me tomorrow, and my supervisor back in Usyd to introduce me to some professors that may be able to help me out to fulfill my dream into the PhD path of education.

You know, getting a PhD degree is extremely difficult, getting a scholarship is even harder, but I won;t die to try it out. I am gonna do whatever it takes to do my very best to make this dream real.

Which also means I need to detach myself from people here in Thailand.That is real sad, when I am just getting into and aprreciating the society I am in. And appreciating the people I met along this way…….yeah. the “people” I met along the way.

I would be heading off to my Japanese school tmr again, have a practice of my Japanese speech, and then off to buy something…you see… I love books…

Well then, I got nothing so philosophical to write about today.  Maybe I would tmr. Since conversations and experiences inspires me alot. *sigh*

Tegoshi’s Kaze no ____ whatever Japanese super opera-ish song which he sang in Hawaii is actually really…….catchy, yet I would not want to be present while he is there to sing. Cause he probably would have steal every room and chambers of my dear heart, leavng no other space for anyone else.

But only If Tegoshi was there and I was there to at least witness the existence of this God, I would be blessed. Tegoshi is still, however, my ideal boyfriend. He likes sports, likes to sing and eat, and knows how to make people like him, and also know how to be sweet and manipulative. Some people may think he is extremely feminine, but honestly there are things about him that seems, masculine too. For instance, I don’t think he would love to turn so dark, if he were really swinging that side, I guess he would be more engaged into the beauty culture.

However, who really cares which side they swing? I don;t care which side, I would love the person because I feel that being with that person makes me feel appreciated, important and be loved for who I am. I would not even care if they were straight, gay, lesbian or bisexuals, I would just love them if there is chemistry, and there is something common, and something we can converse about.

Conversation as the most important part in a relationship for me. I think by being able to communicate and share ideas are indeed the most interesting things ever. Because we learn new things when we are engaged in a conversation with them intellectually and we learn to learn the other;s character.

So, if i could not find a guy who is being able to converse well with me, I rather be alone and write it in the blog until I bleed and die.

I like good speakers, like Sakurai Sho!!!! heheh

最近、私の心が普通じゃない。。

私の世界が、今、どこにある？

実は、私いつも、一人で私の世界に住んで、でも、最近どうしていまのこころはよわいですか？

今心はさびしいくて、いつもかれにあいたく、いつも思い出します。

あたまとこころとどちらがいいですか？

心は　「この人はいいよ。私の心の言葉と意見が全部ききましたから、ともだちとおなじです。かれがすきだ」

あたまは「この人はいいですが、この人は友達だけよ。今うれしいでも襲来はまだわからない、それで、長い時間が待って、それから、もう考える。」と言いました。

じゃ。。。。。この人はしんせつだし、かっこいいだし、それにはなしもおもしろい。。。
かれといしょにはなすとき、たのしいよ。

でも。。。いま、こいじゃない。

すきはちいがう。ちょっとすきだけ。。。。。

じゃ。きょうはおやすみなさい。