A bit of update here…. I finally passed through the interview stage of the scholarship!!!! I don;t know how well I will do in the exam, but you know, my dreams and determination are what I have as the meaning of my life. So I need to grab every chance I can while my heart will still stay without too much attachment to things around me.

Anyway, I will smile whatever result I have. hehe!

The english test was actually easy…. so i guess because of that I managed to pass it…I need to make a perfect impression, in order to make it the best I can this Monday. Please support me, and always encourage me to reach out to the best!
As for myself, I find my detachment for loads of things made me happier and cheerful….I was able to concentrate better on things……..so thanks to my philosophy books which save me from my depression…..

Until then.

I really had heaps of fun today, shopping with my beloved Praew!! ahaha
In fact, I never liked to accompany girls for their shopping spree…..but there is only two people in this world I shop with. My mom and Praew. First of all, Mommy and Praew are not fussy. They do not spend hours in the fitting room… and they made decision fast! It actually makes me feel that, HEY! shopping isn’t too horrible as I used to imagine it was…

Zac Efron was one of our main topics! hahaha I really appreciate that boy’s talents and looks. He is indeed a very unique person, and he has such a cute girlfriend, and I like his girl too!!! Vanessa is such a sweet girl. Nice couple, indeed.

I have been watching Higurashi no naku koro ni, and it hurts my mind….
Parallel worlds, doppelganger, mysterious death, spirited away, ogres, demons… soo many stuff that hurts my mind alot….
As much as I love to concept of parallel worlds… it scares me at times… I am scared that what if one day I wake up and I do not live in the life I am in now? What if I belong somewhere in this universe, not being as fortunate as I am now, perhaps  I might be married to some American dude and moved over to the states, or fell in love with an Asian who deeply respect the Asian Values and I am the Good Housewife Wise mother like I hate to be? whatever it is, I am grasping to the choices I made, and accepting all consequences of my outcomes.

I am still waiting for my results if I passed to the interview section of the Monbusho. English Test was soooo easy, grammar was not complicating, vocab is too easy, fill in the blanks passage was predictive, and the comprehension passages were interesting. I know it for sure I will pass….. Cause It is sooo easy that I knew all the answers to it, but only that my research proposal might not be appealing I would not be chosen.

On the 22nd of July, I will know my next step. I put everything into my research, and I will try my best to win the scholarship. It means alot to me. It is tha starting of something new, it is the door I opened up to my next determination after masters. Oh the stars up there, please grant me a wish to get the scholarship, get into the uni, get into Phd and graduate from it. This is my five year plan.
After that, I wanna get to US.Get married to a rich American who live in a BIG HOUSE in Texas or Cali, and…….no. I was kidding. Getting a job in an American uni is ideal. I would love to be somewhere…. which isn;t that hot or cold…. I will think about that after I know for sure I am getting a PhD.

Laters

In just two days, I gotta take the English Exam to Monbusho. I am not sure how well I am gonna do, but I will try my best……

Right now, I have to devote myself entirely to Japanese. I want to ace it as much as I could, *dakerudake* gonna be the best I can choose to be.

I went to borrow some books form Japan foundation, and i find it quite useful for my references in my future researches. Honestly, I draw myself into a cave filled wth books for the reason that I do not want my heart to lead my head. My head is more important in getting what I need for the future, not what I want for the future.

Now that I have nearly turned myself into a nerd-gothic girl, I have thought once again, about my life in Sydney which I did an experiment in being a hikikomori …….. I think those people should be respected for being independent. Some of them have awesome ideas and educate themselves with books…..and internet……

I feel so tired of living in this world….at this moment, I can close one more door……so I am not gonna hurt anymore. Yes….like someone notorious once said, “Don;t think, feel” I am gonna do the exact opposite. “Don’t feel….think” for in exams and tests, you cannot FEEL that this is the right answer……..you have to think of what is right, what path you think takes you and give you the best advantages, and what you think you do, will make you feel good……

well…..I get my hopes up and watch them fall each time, so right now, hoping nothing is the best thing for me. If I get the scholarship or not, I dont; wanna hope anymore…Being so hopeless…..I won;t drive myself to hurt myself though…

Good Night for now……….sleep tight, eva-chan, for tmr, its just another day….you get closer to Death. *smile*

今、私の心はどうか、わからない。。。
私の一番いい友達はタイへ帰った。とてもうれしかった。

しかし。。。。自分の心．。あのさびし気持ちがまだ治る。。。

仕方がない。。。この恋の物語は。。。終わった。

パト二があるか。。待っている。

Went out with Praew today!!!!!
I am always soooo happy to be with her!! hehe

It was almost 6 months ago when I picked up my very first Japanese language book, Pink in colour, such a colour which inspires me to learn the language. Of course, the very first lessons were easy, and I managed it really well. The tests, the quizzes and all those were not that difficult for me, I managed to get a good resultfor the first 3 months, dedicating all my time for Japanese.

Not Until after the songkran break when everything changes. Japanese does not only gets harder and more complicating, I have been engaged in a series of events which brought me into a path of uncertainty. My grades dropped…..my concentration became short, and lack of inspiration made me so sick and tired of the classes. I pushed myself way too much, but lucky for me, I have so many good friends in my Day 2 class, and I feel that I really belong somewhere. I had all the fun with them, and would never want to lose any moment of happiness while being with these friends.

My grades that are not going as well as it did made me think that perhaps, letting go of something, and concentrate only on one thing, is the best for me. I am not a very smart person, I trained my own brain to be effective, and I would continue to do so. My life, after all, should be where i first choose it to be, not anywhere else, but into the bright future where I think will brighten my path of determination.

10 more days to my Monbusho test, and 12 more days, to my DAY 3 class. I am not sure if I will do a great job or not, but I will dedicate my time, back to Japanese and my studies. Since right now, I dont have to even think of attaching myself to anything, I can go back to my Day 1 energy and try my best in what I do, and do the very best I can. I already know that getting myself involve with other things but myself would eventually pull me backwards.

Just like a sinking boat, you cannot let anyone lean on you when you are already halfway into the ocean. You treat the crew well, and throw unwanted things away, into the ocean. You know, finally, you gonna be successful.

I am not sure what holds for me in the future, but then I will say, I will try to never let anything get in my way or my dreams. I have learnt it from people around me, dreams can be thrown away so easily, i will not let it happen to me. As I used to say, I can sacrifice romance for a good career and a Phd.

I want romance too… but please don;t come this time. I am in the middle of building my dreams and only coming now with break it all……