Sometimes, You wanna express it all for people you care for, but at times, it is far too late for you to do it.

I wrote this poem, or song, or whatever you think it is, in Japanese… To practice my super weak Japanese. Well….. here i go. My first foreign piece of written art.

My translations are not good too… since I am trying to think in Japanese and write in Japanese and from Japanese translate to English, but the meaning still lies there… so yes.

「さようなら」言わないよ。
Sayonara,iwanai yo
Don’t say Goodbye

今、心がわれてしまった。。
ima,kokoro ga wareteshimatta
Right now, My heart is broken

引っ越した、絶対に君の声わすれない。。。
hikkoshita,zettai ni kimi no koe wasurenai
Moving away, I will never forget your voice

あの場所、遠いけど、いつまでも、気持ちを送てる
ano basho, tooi kedo, itsumademo, kimochi wo okuteru
That place, how far it can be, always, I’ll send my feelings there

悲しくて、うれしくて，どんな気持ち、always 君のとなりに聞いてる
kanashite,ureshite, donna kimochi, always kimi no tonari ni kiiteru
Sadness, Happiness, whatever the feelings, always, next to you, I’ll listen to you

どうして。。涙こぼれた。。
doushite, namida koboreta
Why do these tears overflow

メモリー。。心にあるよ。。。
memories, kokoro ni aru yo
Memories, always in my heart

好きになった、ずっとあなたの笑うおぼえてる。。
suki ni natta, zutto anata no warau oboeteru
I have liked you, Always, I’ll remember your smiles.

この所.。。寂しいけど、いつまでも、歌を書いてあげる。。
kono tokoro, sabishii kedo, itsumademo, uta wo kaite ageru
This place, how lonely, but always, I’ll write songs for you

悲しくて、うれしくて，どんな気持ち、always 君のとなりに聞いてるkanashite,ureshite, donna kimochi, always kimi no tonari ni kiiteru
Sadness, Happiness, whatever the feelings, always, next to you, I’ll listen to you

今でも、君がいない。。生活が変われた
ima demo, kimi ga inai, seikatsu ga kawareta
Right Now, there is no presence of you, my life has changed

そんな寂しい、そんな悲しい，誰もここにいない
sonna sabishii, sonna kanashii, dare mo koko ni inai
How lonely, How sad it can be, there is no one here…

君がいるとき、「好きだ」言わない。。
kimi ga iru toki,” suki da” iwanai
When you were here, I never said “I like you”

でも今は遅すぎた。。。
demo ima wa ososugita…
But right now, it is far too late.

There can be no one I can blame for it, but myself.

As I have written as the big headline of my blog. Yes. I “failed” the Monbusho interview. If you asked me whether it is difficult, I would say the questions were unexpected. My proposal was not in their interest, even though several professors had said my topic was interesting, my research topic was not interesting enough or convincing enough to prove that yes… there are these kind of changes in Japan.

I won;t tell you what my research proposal is, unless you asked me through email. Because I still need this for a PhD thesis, and i don;t want anyone to do the same topic as I do.

But I would share some tips for those who will have an interview with Monbusho.

1) Know your research topic, REALLY WELL.
2) RECITE all the theories you can that can lead to your topic. Because if you can;t recite the theories (In my case, 5 theories of _________, who wrote them) you fail.
3) Make sure you can convince them.
4) Make sure your topic is not too contemporary, entertaining, feminist…you know, you never know that no matter how liberal you think you are, there are still people who think against your ideologies.
5) Recite more theories if you can. If your topic is on media, figure out who is the first person who decides that media helps influence people, what he wrote, who argues against his case, add more theories that supports your ides……remember… THEORY THEORY THEORY.

Well….I can;t recite the theories… How was I to know that I need THEORIES to support my proposal …(when literature review is not needed), and even though I thought that should be in the stage of the “literature review” not proposal. I was never asked of my methodology, but only theories theories theories.

I can’t complain much. Cause I am not as intelligent as them, I didn;t learn to recite all theories from my Masters, and my topic is not ENTIRELY what i studied, cause my profession is on area studies, but i included two more mini topics within. It is part of the society in Japan, and I cannot take 1 year to eat down all the theories i can.

So What i’ll do now, is to get parents’ scholarship.
No need to even go for an interview.
I’ll get it for sure.
But for now, I am sick of this kind of competition. I am gonna work first then go for PhD….. Monbusho is out of the question.

This is the first time I lost. I tasted failure…..
And then, I learnt that….. I am not only unlucky in love, but also I can be unlucky in game as well.