A bit of update here…. I finally passed through the interview stage of the scholarship!!!! I don;t know how well I will do in the exam, but you know, my dreams and determination are what I have as the meaning of my life. So I need to grab every chance I can while my heart will still stay without too much attachment to things around me.

Anyway, I will smile whatever result I have. hehe!

The english test was actually easy…. so i guess because of that I managed to pass it…I need to make a perfect impression, in order to make it the best I can this Monday. Please support me, and always encourage me to reach out to the best!
As for myself, I find my detachment for loads of things made me happier and cheerful….I was able to concentrate better on things……..so thanks to my philosophy books which save me from my depression…..

Until then.

I really had heaps of fun today, shopping with my beloved Praew!! ahaha
In fact, I never liked to accompany girls for their shopping spree…..but there is only two people in this world I shop with. My mom and Praew. First of all, Mommy and Praew are not fussy. They do not spend hours in the fitting room… and they made decision fast! It actually makes me feel that, HEY! shopping isn’t too horrible as I used to imagine it was…

Zac Efron was one of our main topics! hahaha I really appreciate that boy’s talents and looks. He is indeed a very unique person, and he has such a cute girlfriend, and I like his girl too!!! Vanessa is such a sweet girl. Nice couple, indeed.

I have been watching Higurashi no naku koro ni, and it hurts my mind….
Parallel worlds, doppelganger, mysterious death, spirited away, ogres, demons… soo many stuff that hurts my mind alot….
As much as I love to concept of parallel worlds… it scares me at times… I am scared that what if one day I wake up and I do not live in the life I am in now? What if I belong somewhere in this universe, not being as fortunate as I am now, perhaps  I might be married to some American dude and moved over to the states, or fell in love with an Asian who deeply respect the Asian Values and I am the Good Housewife Wise mother like I hate to be? whatever it is, I am grasping to the choices I made, and accepting all consequences of my outcomes.

I am still waiting for my results if I passed to the interview section of the Monbusho. English Test was soooo easy, grammar was not complicating, vocab is too easy, fill in the blanks passage was predictive, and the comprehension passages were interesting. I know it for sure I will pass….. Cause It is sooo easy that I knew all the answers to it, but only that my research proposal might not be appealing I would not be chosen.

On the 22nd of July, I will know my next step. I put everything into my research, and I will try my best to win the scholarship. It means alot to me. It is tha starting of something new, it is the door I opened up to my next determination after masters. Oh the stars up there, please grant me a wish to get the scholarship, get into the uni, get into Phd and graduate from it. This is my five year plan.
After that, I wanna get to US.Get married to a rich American who live in a BIG HOUSE in Texas or Cali, and…….no. I was kidding. Getting a job in an American uni is ideal. I would love to be somewhere…. which isn;t that hot or cold…. I will think about that after I know for sure I am getting a PhD.

Laters

In just two days, I gotta take the English Exam to Monbusho. I am not sure how well I am gonna do, but I will try my best……

Right now, I have to devote myself entirely to Japanese. I want to ace it as much as I could, *dakerudake* gonna be the best I can choose to be.

I went to borrow some books form Japan foundation, and i find it quite useful for my references in my future researches. Honestly, I draw myself into a cave filled wth books for the reason that I do not want my heart to lead my head. My head is more important in getting what I need for the future, not what I want for the future.

Now that I have nearly turned myself into a nerd-gothic girl, I have thought once again, about my life in Sydney which I did an experiment in being a hikikomori …….. I think those people should be respected for being independent. Some of them have awesome ideas and educate themselves with books…..and internet……

I feel so tired of living in this world….at this moment, I can close one more door……so I am not gonna hurt anymore. Yes….like someone notorious once said, “Don;t think, feel” I am gonna do the exact opposite. “Don’t feel….think” for in exams and tests, you cannot FEEL that this is the right answer……..you have to think of what is right, what path you think takes you and give you the best advantages, and what you think you do, will make you feel good……

well…..I get my hopes up and watch them fall each time, so right now, hoping nothing is the best thing for me. If I get the scholarship or not, I dont; wanna hope anymore…Being so hopeless…..I won;t drive myself to hurt myself though…

Good Night for now……….sleep tight, eva-chan, for tmr, its just another day….you get closer to Death. *smile*

今、私の心はどうか、わからない。。。
私の一番いい友達はタイへ帰った。とてもうれしかった。

しかし。。。。自分の心．。あのさびし気持ちがまだ治る。。。

仕方がない。。。この恋の物語は。。。終わった。

パト二があるか。。待っている。

Went out with Praew today!!!!!
I am always soooo happy to be with her!! hehe

It was almost 6 months ago when I picked up my very first Japanese language book, Pink in colour, such a colour which inspires me to learn the language. Of course, the very first lessons were easy, and I managed it really well. The tests, the quizzes and all those were not that difficult for me, I managed to get a good resultfor the first 3 months, dedicating all my time for Japanese.

Not Until after the songkran break when everything changes. Japanese does not only gets harder and more complicating, I have been engaged in a series of events which brought me into a path of uncertainty. My grades dropped…..my concentration became short, and lack of inspiration made me so sick and tired of the classes. I pushed myself way too much, but lucky for me, I have so many good friends in my Day 2 class, and I feel that I really belong somewhere. I had all the fun with them, and would never want to lose any moment of happiness while being with these friends.

My grades that are not going as well as it did made me think that perhaps, letting go of something, and concentrate only on one thing, is the best for me. I am not a very smart person, I trained my own brain to be effective, and I would continue to do so. My life, after all, should be where i first choose it to be, not anywhere else, but into the bright future where I think will brighten my path of determination.

10 more days to my Monbusho test, and 12 more days, to my DAY 3 class. I am not sure if I will do a great job or not, but I will dedicate my time, back to Japanese and my studies. Since right now, I dont have to even think of attaching myself to anything, I can go back to my Day 1 energy and try my best in what I do, and do the very best I can. I already know that getting myself involve with other things but myself would eventually pull me backwards.

Just like a sinking boat, you cannot let anyone lean on you when you are already halfway into the ocean. You treat the crew well, and throw unwanted things away, into the ocean. You know, finally, you gonna be successful.

I am not sure what holds for me in the future, but then I will say, I will try to never let anything get in my way or my dreams. I have learnt it from people around me, dreams can be thrown away so easily, i will not let it happen to me. As I used to say, I can sacrifice romance for a good career and a Phd.

I want romance too… but please don;t come this time. I am in the middle of building my dreams and only coming now with break it all……

I really think sometimes, I need to detach myself from everything that is pulling me down.
One of those, is that I won’t have to care so much about my grades and just think, I have done my best, and I am gonna do what it takes by not pushing myself too far.

And for everything that will eventually stop me from reaching my determinations and plans I have planned 5 years ahead, I will learn to detach from them too. My emotions of failures, lack of inspirations, sadness, and everything in this world, i have one thing to live for, that is to live life to the fullest, and make every moment happy for me.

I wanna get this book… called Socrates in Love. I think it might be a good book for me to read after my exams. Maybe one day,  I am gonna reach my enlightenment…

I am back for another post! I will be really busy for the next two following weeks, so I might not be able to update as much as I did. But then, nothing really makes a difference whether I write or not. Not many people are reading it, nor people are interested in what i write… and my voice never reaches to the people, person, human, individual, and they, he or she would never hear me out. That is pretty sad, because writing does not only works in one direction…..I need some response, just like playing tennis, the ball moves between the players from two sides of the court. What I lack is someone who is willing to play this game with me.

Anyway, I have accounted on “forking paths” “different roads” destiny and stuff about how choices that we made, gave us a different outcome. But as for this poem, I would write, I would daresay, My course of love never run smooth. I did not mean romantic love cause i was never in one, and my love is more like a celebrity crush….or maybe..
.

Just that it happens to me a countless of times. I almost get to meet Tegoshi, but then I flew off to Sydney, I almost attend Jay Chou’s concert, but I am in Thailand, and I almost met Zac Efron, but I was only 3 kms away from him in Sydney. There are a countless times which love just won;t cross my path. Sad right? Well, this is life. I might have hurt people in my past lives, so in this one, I got to pay the debts. (I never believed in past lives, I was just blaming myself so I won;t blame anyone else)

whatsoever, here I go……(There is no Spring Collection of poems like i used to promised)

On Different Roads

I choose a different road, I made a different choice,
I could not tell what the future holds for me,
But all i wish is that you would hear my voice,
Then just for once, deep in my soul you may see….

What do I need to commit to make paths meet?
What deeds I do need to make, for you to walk this way…
For now that I am walking on this one-way street,
With a hope for one day, beside me, you gonna stay

Countless, I have wondered where you are
Under my sky, I could not feel your presence
For your world is unreachable, as far as the star,
Many have staged the show, when I still remain as an audience.

Ambitious, I may be, filled with dreams to achieve
Independent, I perhaps am, walking all alone on this path
But incomplete, deep inside, please still let me believe…
That somehow, you still stay, somewhere…..underneath…

____________________

My poems are rather ambiguous because I like it to appear that way. No matter how you analyze it, the naked truth is what is deep in within. And of course, unless you have the key to unlock what is inside me, then you know the truth. And that truth cannot be written in words.

Each individual is being an individual and has their own unique personality.

I took this application test on facebook and they came out with this

You were born on 28th of November 1986.

:: Actor.
:: Talented to entertain people.
:: Loving and generous.
:: With their natural attraction, they have no problems to befriend with anybody.
:: Have a lots of personality that make others hard to understand them.
:: Like a chameleon, they manage to suits themselves with environment.
:: Lucky, but they suffer cause they depend mostly in luck and mood.

First of all, I am not an actor, though I like to entertain people with my jokes, imitations and dances….I am loving, and i don;t think I am generous enough. I DO have problems befriending people..I have loads of personality….but who doesn;t…….I don’t manage myself well in society…. cause I am the nail that sticks out……..I know I am not lucky… so don;t try to assume that all November 28th babies are born this way.

On thing that is certain that all November 28th babies will share a commonality..

We are not gonna be immortal.

I am in a mood for poetry again…….It s not like a perfect Poetry… but then more to a ballad…….without the melody

Word to replace Goodbye

As we both stood on the platform,
Silence are our last words.
I could feel the same tenderness from your eyes
Soon, there would be a new wind we both have to face.

Alone, I don’t know if I would get used to it
Even though I had walked in the past alone…
Without the bright smiles that gave me hope
I would try to make it through this time…

The seasons that you have grown up with,|
Are worlds apart from mine.
The pain you face, the sad songs I sang,
Are walking on parallel paths,
As for this time, if we face a different wind
I will be searching for a word to replace Goodbye.

I try to come clean and reveal it all,
But I find it hard to hold back my tears..
Would there ever be a day our tracks will cross?
Til’ that day, I would still give you the same smile

Alone, we got to walk our own way,
No matter how far, I have traveled,
You would still be my light,
And I know, I can make it though the wind

The world you have seen and lived in,
Are worlds apart from mine
The tears you shed, the sad songs I sang,
Are not connected by a red thread,
As for this time, if we won’t cross the same path,
I am still searching for a word to replace Goodbye

The new strong wind, that brings
All my smiles, tears, laughs and pain
I know I made it through because I am living with a hope
To reach out for the very best,
As for this time, when we walked our own ways….
I will still be searching for a word to replace Goodbye
_________________________________________

I am always leaving people behind…..like going somewhere to study……

So I guess this can explains it all..