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I was totally worn off today too!
I went to Siam to get a book or two for my cousin, and went to Granny’s house.
Nothing so important.

But then, a thought came to my mind.
I don;t know why, but i just want to be better than I am now, much better, for instance. smarter, having a nicer personality, be better experienced, be prettier, be slimmer, and just be a kind of girl who keeps on climbing up the social and success ladder. I feel inferior towards people all the time. I feel that i am never good enough. I am never successful enough, and I am not the best player in the game called life.

It is called inferiority complex.
Because since I was young, I was always the inferior. I was never good in school , and being a foreign school girl in a school than does not speak my native language, it is really hard to even communicate.

When I was back in my own birth country, once again i feel inferior. The inferiority which I have was that, I can hardly speak Thai properly. I have been teased by people (classmates) by my strange Thai, and my Singlish accent. Not a very happy school life, I know. But I changed myself, practice my accent and pronunciation to a pure American accent and now I can even imitate loads of different accents.

I have achieved alot, i know, yet somehow I still feel inferior to others, once in a while. I was never good enough for anyone. I tried, and I lost so much of my individuality, and I am lost in what people are expecting of me, and what I expect of myself to be.

The depression of that inferior complex made me feel that sometimes, i never wanna face the real world because I really hate it to lose. I rather be something that would not have to compare myself to others, in fear that i would be inferior to them.

This is why I am such a Type A person. I just want everything to be perfect, when it will never be, I am just so serious in every single thing, when I even know that things won;t be much better if i am too serious. I need to ease the tension, i need to ease the depression that is holding within me.

Mommy told me that I need to try to be less serious with things. Because I would eventually be such a pessimist, and who knows what I would be like IF i eventually have a family of my own? I can be optimistic, but once i am pessimistic, I would be on the other extreme.  My world is either white or black. Either I love you very very much, I feel nothing at all, or I hate you very very much.

But I usually love people more. haha. I dont have loads of people to hang out with, because of there are things i dont like about them, i kinda have a i don;t wanna hang out with you kinda feeling. I should change.

I should bite my tongue and accept that there are at least something good about these people, or at least, they kinda make the world different.

I need to stop being so serious and take a deep breathe, have fun and enjoy life. I should at least make sure that everything does not need to be perfect, I am the best i can be, and the ppl around me are the best they are. By that, I can stop worrying and accept reality without being so obsessed to bring everything to perfection.

When selecting a partner, I got to understand, that nothing is perfect. I can never have everything go my way, and I cannot force the person to live up to my expectations. I want to live up to his expectations so I can make the relationship last a bit longer, but i do not need a guy if he decides to change my whole individuality and character. I want him to accept who i really am, and i want me to accept who he is. I just only want to be irreplaceable, to be special, and to have a special smile and look in his eyes which he only shows it to me.

Next following post would be a reminder to myself of how i should behave in a future relationship. Because i have seen too many girls being too too too moody and spoiled in a relationship that she gets really pissed off when she didnt get what she wants. I dont wanna be that type of girl. I am quite reasonable, so I would just mark a reminder about myself for that.


About angelofdevotion

Born in Thailand, raised in Singapore, came back to Thailand during my teens and lived there since. English is more of my native language, and I teach it for a living!


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