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I was totally worn off today too!
I went to Siam to get a book or two for my cousin, and went to Granny’s house.
Nothing so important.

But then, a thought came to my mind.
I don;t know why, but i just want to be better than I am now, much better, for instance. smarter, having a nicer personality, be better experienced, be prettier, be slimmer, and just be a kind of girl who keeps on climbing up the social and success ladder. I feel inferior towards people all the time. I feel that i am never good enough. I am never successful enough, and I am not the best player in the game called life.

It is called inferiority complex.
Because since I was young, I was always the inferior. I was never good in school , and being a foreign school girl in a school than does not speak my native language, it is really hard to even communicate.

When I was back in my own birth country, once again i feel inferior. The inferiority which I have was that, I can hardly speak Thai properly. I have been teased by people (classmates) by my strange Thai, and my Singlish accent. Not a very happy school life, I know. But I changed myself, practice my accent and pronunciation to a pure American accent and now I can even imitate loads of different accents.

I have achieved alot, i know, yet somehow I still feel inferior to others, once in a while. I was never good enough for anyone. I tried, and I lost so much of my individuality, and I am lost in what people are expecting of me, and what I expect of myself to be.

The depression of that inferior complex made me feel that sometimes, i never wanna face the real world because I really hate it to lose. I rather be something that would not have to compare myself to others, in fear that i would be inferior to them.

This is why I am such a Type A person. I just want everything to be perfect, when it will never be, I am just so serious in every single thing, when I even know that things won;t be much better if i am too serious. I need to ease the tension, i need to ease the depression that is holding within me.

Mommy told me that I need to try to be less serious with things. Because I would eventually be such a pessimist, and who knows what I would be like IF i eventually have a family of my own? I can be optimistic, but once i am pessimistic, I would be on the other extreme.  My world is either white or black. Either I love you very very much, I feel nothing at all, or I hate you very very much.

But I usually love people more. haha. I dont have loads of people to hang out with, because of there are things i dont like about them, i kinda have a i don;t wanna hang out with you kinda feeling. I should change.

I should bite my tongue and accept that there are at least something good about these people, or at least, they kinda make the world different.

I need to stop being so serious and take a deep breathe, have fun and enjoy life. I should at least make sure that everything does not need to be perfect, I am the best i can be, and the ppl around me are the best they are. By that, I can stop worrying and accept reality without being so obsessed to bring everything to perfection.

When selecting a partner, I got to understand, that nothing is perfect. I can never have everything go my way, and I cannot force the person to live up to my expectations. I want to live up to his expectations so I can make the relationship last a bit longer, but i do not need a guy if he decides to change my whole individuality and character. I want him to accept who i really am, and i want me to accept who he is. I just only want to be irreplaceable, to be special, and to have a special smile and look in his eyes which he only shows it to me.

Next following post would be a reminder to myself of how i should behave in a future relationship. Because i have seen too many girls being too too too moody and spoiled in a relationship that she gets really pissed off when she didnt get what she wants. I dont wanna be that type of girl. I am quite reasonable, so I would just mark a reminder about myself for that.

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About angelofdevotion

Born in Thailand, raised in Singapore, came back to Thailand during my teens and lived there since. English is more of my native language, and I teach it for a living!

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