If you are old enough to remember the great movie, Matrix, you would have remembered the legendary scene of the “Blue” and the “red” pill. At that time, I did not make a big fuss what they are. But lately, ever since I became more philosophical and more insightful, i became to analyze things deeply, but of course, I still stand on the room where the world is filled with flowers. Wearing the rose tinted glasses and seeing the world with it.
So the blue pill which I have been taking for ages, and maybe a small taste of the red pill at times, but right now, the red pill was shoved right before my eyes, and there is no other choice. The truth I have been hoping for, wishing for and think it is, is no longer reality. The rose tinted glasses I have been wearing breaks, and the reality hit real hard on me. Why is it so hard to accept the truth, when you think that the truth you have been living in, is just merely just your imaginations?
I blame it all on my great anti-social behavior. Because I only have a small group of friends and individual friends, and those friends are those who live in my world. I hardly never step out from it, when a friend steps out and enters into a new world, I get so depressed and feel sad.
However, I have been exposed to several red pill reality in the world. I researched about stuff and there i see the ugly reality behind things. The only thing that still remains pretty much clean and decent is my views on love.
I know full-heartly, how much of a romanticist i am, How much “Tegoshi” I am, and that is actually not very healthy for me when I step into the real world and found that these views on love I have, are actually so much of a fairytale-like. I am optimistic about it, and that time had made those views even brighter and more unrealistic.
It is not that I am weak, it is me being far too optimistic about my views.
Perhaps the reason, I kinda would like to be in a relationship, but dare not to, is because of two great reasons. First, I don;t want my fantasies to be taken away, since I am such a newbie to relationships ( I am a coward) , secondly, I am a perfectionist. I try to make everything perfect, that is why i often make myself hurt when things does not go my way.
Things will not go my way, I remind myself, I need to be more mature in accepting reality which I am far too positive, far too optimistic about. Now, the red pill was somewhat the only choice that I had to take, the blue pill I would actually miss alot of it. Tomorrow as I wake up in the morning, there would be new things about me. The rose tinted glasses of love had dimmed down, and that i would slowly travel down to the rabbit’s hole, to find how deep……it goes.
I would be signing off, being really emotional tonight.
My darling is going back to England and it would be 8 weeks til we meet again.