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Anytime I didn’t write on this blog of mine, just a day or a few hours, I feel insecure and I have a desire to express alot.

So as I say, my life is filled with a storm after a storm, only a few moments of calm, then a storm again. Actually, I could not blame it on my life. It is my psychological state. I am not a psycho, just a girl who is often depressed, and hardly ever show how depressed I really am right now.

I couldn’t do my Japanese test today, it even increases the depression I already have. The reason for my depression is the fear of responsibilty and the fear of expectations, the fear of rejection, the fear of being isolated from the crappy society i find so hard to trust, to appreciate and to fit in. I am just so tired.If I have a chance, I want to be a bird to fly away, and never have to be bound, detaching myself from everyone in the world. Except Praew.

When would I ever do things right? When would I ever be appreciated for my ideas, and be heard from the bottom of my heart? I guess I will never have any sort of chance. In this country, like Praew once said, being independent means being like a guy. and being independent means I am so damn fucking close to be masculine that there is no trace of femininity left in me, apart from the fact that I am biologically female.


So i am labelled as being masculine because of my independence?
That is just so unfair. Why do stereotypes are the ones that determines where I stand in the gender line. If I get a PhD would I actually be single because normally, girls are those who are placed under the authority of the men. Sick and tired of this society.

I wanna scream out loud, that There would be no way that I will conform to the society and be feminine by being inferior to men, be there to serve men;s needs. What I need is an equality. I don;t care if the man cares for beauty. I don;t label him as gay. Know why? because i do not generalize people. I accept people the way they are, but some how, I never get to be accepted the way I am .

I am just so tired. I need a space to breathe….. just some space for me, to at least be appreciated. In this world, Praew is the only one who understands and appreciate me. That is why she is so important to me….. that is why I feel so insecure and depressed without her.


About angelofdevotion

Born in Thailand, raised in Singapore, came back to Thailand during my teens and lived there since. English is more of my native language, and I teach it for a living!


3 thoughts on “

  1. There are times when we really feel like the whole world is on our shoulders, and our moods or spirits would be so down and it changes frequently just like the unpredictable weather. It’s nice that you could release it, at least in this blog.

    It’s sad because society has been setting so many stereotypes and standards that are really making a lot of things unfavorable or unfair for most people, especially when it comes to gender. I guess that you should stand up on your own beliefs. Easier said than done but it takes practice, I guess. It’s wrong to think that being independent is being masculine. That’s extremely a wrong perception of independence. [At least in my opinion] Or in other words, would you say that single mothers raising their child on their own is being masculine? Or maybe some women who were orphaned and live by themselves are also masculine? I guess not. Maybe, the people who believes that are people who still lives in the old times when men were so high and mighty. I’m not a feminist but I am also a female and I live in a country that had that kind of perception but that was way back in the past.

    I guess people should go back to the basics… The dictionary simply says that “Being independent” is: Free from the influence, guidance, or control of another or others; self-reliant; Not determined or influenced by someone or something else; not contingent. There is no reference for the gender.

    I hope people would realize that society should not be the one who would set the standards to each individual but should be the person himself. And of course, everybody should recognize their strengths and weaknesses as well as their roles. So, I hope you won’t be too depressed about it. Let’s not lose hope that there will be a change in our societies. Let us begin with ourselves. 🙂 We can do it! ^^

    Posted by Fallenlily | May 8, 2009, 2:30 am
    • Thanks for your comments.
      I really agree with that too.
      Because my friend and I happen to be more independent and have our own opinions on so many things, and for this, we are being viewed as being like a guy because “some” women in general in my country (Thailand) get influenced really easily and conforms to what society wants them to be. That is why I hate so much to live here.

      It is nice for you to share these ideas because I totally agree with you too. I am struggling really hard to fit in because most of the people I met, especially guys are just being so laddish, that they hate it when a woman is independent, does not conform to his wishes, and challenges his authority.

      Sucks to be in this kind of society……T_T

      Posted by angelofdevotion | May 8, 2009, 2:48 am
      • Gah… So what if you’re a woman? It’s just the physical and psychological thingies that are really different from a man and a woman but as human? I guess we’re totally the same. I hate that kind of man vs woman perception. We’re in the year 2009 already! Those guys should go back on the 1800’s or not really… Maybe they need to go back to the Jurassic era! >_> Where dinosaurs could eat them. =_=;

        Just feel comfortable about yourself. Don’t mind them.


        Kick their butts! (Sorry for being rude in this comment ~_~;;)

        Posted by Fallenlily | May 9, 2009, 7:28 am

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