Anytime I didn’t write on this blog of mine, just a day or a few hours, I feel insecure and I have a desire to express alot.
So as I say, my life is filled with a storm after a storm, only a few moments of calm, then a storm again. Actually, I could not blame it on my life. It is my psychological state. I am not a psycho, just a girl who is often depressed, and hardly ever show how depressed I really am right now.
I couldn’t do my Japanese test today, it even increases the depression I already have. The reason for my depression is the fear of responsibilty and the fear of expectations, the fear of rejection, the fear of being isolated from the crappy society i find so hard to trust, to appreciate and to fit in. I am just so tired.If I have a chance, I want to be a bird to fly away, and never have to be bound, detaching myself from everyone in the world. Except Praew.
When would I ever do things right? When would I ever be appreciated for my ideas, and be heard from the bottom of my heart? I guess I will never have any sort of chance. In this country, like Praew once said, being independent means being like a guy. and being independent means I am so damn fucking close to be masculine that there is no trace of femininity left in me, apart from the fact that I am biologically female.
So i am labelled as being masculine because of my independence?
That is just so unfair. Why do stereotypes are the ones that determines where I stand in the gender line. If I get a PhD would I actually be single because normally, girls are those who are placed under the authority of the men. Sick and tired of this society.
I wanna scream out loud, that There would be no way that I will conform to the society and be feminine by being inferior to men, be there to serve men;s needs. What I need is an equality. I don;t care if the man cares for beauty. I don;t label him as gay. Know why? because i do not generalize people. I accept people the way they are, but some how, I never get to be accepted the way I am .
I am just so tired. I need a space to breathe….. just some space for me, to at least be appreciated. In this world, Praew is the only one who understands and appreciate me. That is why she is so important to me….. that is why I feel so insecure and depressed without her.