I have always wondered which part of episode in my life that had shaped who I really am.
It is by natural that I hate to go out into the society to meet loads of people or is it the experiences I had that made me the way I am now. I just couldn’t figure out why I feel so frustrated when I am with more than 10 people. If there are only a few close friends, I am perfectly fine. If I am alone, I even feel that I have loads of space to go, and loads of things that I will discover about myself. But best of all, 1 -4 close friends are the best friends are most comfortable for me.
All those rants, I still couldn’t figure out why. Is it because I am so anti-social by natural? Well, I really don’t know. Is it because I close to transform into a Hikikomori soon? But I still like to go to bookstores and Starbucks, maybe that’s not close yet.
If I were to talk about experiences that made me this way, sure, if I were to think back, there are episodes in life where I seclude myself into the library, won’t eat lunch just because I don’t want to be in crowded places…and wait. That happened. That incident happened before and it seem that no one actually think that it has effected me. People may think it is just for their own pleasure and claimed that it’s fun, it does not mean I am having fun along with them. Maybe that’s the fact. That y I created Jason. Jason is always there.
Getting into university equals a success for me. I was only 16, and if you asked me if i were a bit sad tht i didn;t graduate Grade 12, I am indeed sad, but thanks god I had come to university. People who were never in my shoes will never understand. University is where I found who I really am. I don’t care about others, I don’t care what they like or hate about me, I do care sometimes if they take advantages on me, but I don’t care at all because simply, I am Eva. The horror loving girl.
Honestly, truth to heart, there is still part of me that I want to go back to the world I left. But part of me told me that I finally escaped from it and there is no use going back. I refused to attend big gatherings if there is not one or two friends I like is there, I just don’t want to feel that I am surrounded around with people yet I am alone shut there. I might have been happy, I might used to be happy with big reunions, but the course of life has changed. If only I had only a few friends who understand and would forever never judge me and make fun of who i am, I would throw the others away. Actually, I have found a couple of them. Like the JAL friends……or my Waseda friends…..but still they have their own lives too…….I might just be living in the wrong place.Oh. There are a few RIS friends and Uni friends too. But a majority of them are the ones that I don’t think they will still remember the things that they had done, had an effect to me today.
Sunako is a exact replica. The reason she became a Hikikomori was the partly the same reason I am so anti-social. There are people who are not involved, but if I could turn time back, I would have been happier if I chose to only be with Jason. I should have created him the first place. I should have written my novel, completed it and just walked on a different path. On a different path………