You may come across rare children on TV shows. Either they have the sixth finger, or the sixth sense, or having two different coloured eyes, or even grow hair all over their faces….. you could only sympathize with them. You won;t understand the pain. If you don’t have that experience…..you will never understand.
You can say, “You are special……You don;t have to be like others… You are unique……God gave this to you, so he can remember you when you are in heaven.” I have been numb to those kind of things. It will never work. That works only temporary, but to be different and lose the chance to do things others can, but you cannot…..eventually you will suffer from inferiority complex.
And I admit, I am suffering from one. Mine isn’t that serious as those kids who are on TV shows….but I hate to lie. I hate to lie that I’m sick, I am on menstruation, I had to sprain my ankle so I can skip swimming lessons. I hate the beach so much because I know I cannot swim. I had to lie and give reasons that I am allergic to chlorine or lie to people that I hate the sea water…..Oh that kind of crap. I lie to others so much, that right now, I really hate swimming. I hate the beach. I hate swimsuits. I hate shorts. And I despise the public bathroom in Japan. All of those hatred falls into only one weakness, something different in me.
I want to be normal. Just like others. And if you claim that God gave this to me, why is he making me suffer all those 24 years? If you said it is a karma I have done in the past life, then I would say at least it isn’t that serious. All these 24 years, I have been good. So good that it is time for me to change the way the stars have written for me..
I am just so tired. I don’t want it to be on me anymore…..You might not even hear my suffering.
I want to be normal. I want to be able to go and swim without worrying who is going to stare and gossip about me. I want to wear shorts for boxing training…….not long trousers that makes it difficult to kick and make the moves.
It might be a small problem to you, but to me, it is a nuisance. Something I didn’t ask for, something I do not need.
Here I write my sufferings…….And hopefully… you will hear my dear heart’s screams.