Honestly, I am a person who loves to write so much that I hope that I could spend my whole life writing as it is the only thing I believe I am truly making something productive. However, I wonder where are the inspirations I used to have went to. Back in High school, I can’t stop writing, or even in university and in Sydney, inspirations never seem to end. I keep on writing and writing, however, I could no longer find it nowadays.
There are a few reasons I gave to myself of why I no longer have inspirations. First of all, inspirations usually come when I am emotional, which means I am enthusiastic about something. For instance, when I was (still but not as much as I used to) so in love with Tegoshi-kun, I keep on writing them, the romanticist poet in me was so active…..but now, when those emotions became neutral and my crush for Tegoshi stabilized (instead of being so crazy in love with him) I lost the inspiration to write. I could not write a single poem from then on. So maybe I have been numb to those feelings. Liking celebrities who never knew my existence. Actually, I stopped being a masochist and stop torturing myself with that. hahaha.
Secondly, the less I see the world through my rose-tinted glasses, the less inspiration I have. I usually create a world of my own, imagining things to turn out to be as positive and optimistic as ever, but as I grow up through university, being apart from friends I used to be close to, the distance and time have all changed each of us. No longer do we share the same gossips and laughters, and our view and beliefs changed as well. All the expectations I have set for them were different from reality , therefore, my rose tinted glasses breaks a little by little. People changed. Time is responsible for it . And those made me feel deceived by my own foolish expectations. And from that on, I felt out of place, out of time, and left with only a few friends who truly understand and accept me .
Thirdly, the collective society is stealing away my individuality. When I was in Sydney, there are no mask I need to wear. I don’t care about how people view me, only to know that I am me, a unique girl who has dreams, and will achieve it. Of course, I am old enough to learn how to blend in, but I am rebellious sometimes in thinking that I want to be accepted. But I have been numb to those feelings. I am an individual and my family accepts it. That is already best thing I guess…..
Where am I going to find my inspiration again? I never seems to be enthusiastic at all.
But I am not in a hurry. There are still years ahead of me. Inspiration will come back and make me a writer again.