As we get older, our individualities are forced to alter, thanks to social expectations. I truly understood now what people meant by saying that adulthood changes you, keep you in the chains of social expectations, and then you are forced to go with the collective instead of the person you truly are.
I do not mean that being with the majority is bad, but I guess if we adapt ourselves to be with the collective, no one becomes special because they are all the same. Our individuality will eventually be kept and locked in the library of memories or perhaps lost forever, and we will too, lose our true selves. No longer would you be the one and only person, but a person who is just another person who thinks the same way, act the same way, and lives in a life just like the person next door, next village or the next table.
It all came back to me when I figured out how much I wanted express myself in so many ways. I do not want to be the person I am not, I still want to dye my hair pink, silver, highlight it yellow or orange, I still want to paint my nails black, wear heavy eyeliners, and walk around in punk, gothic Lolita clothes, but those are just who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I can’t go back being, thanks to social expectation once again.
Sure enough, there are a few ways. I could go to a cosplay event, wear wigs, wear clothes I want and I won’t have to be EVa, but just a random cosplayer who can express herself through these means.
For how long will I be in this position where I still remain in this place, being part of the collective? I want to go back to japan or Sydney, where I could freely be who I once was. I could smile without being fake, I could laugh as loud as I can, and I can wear loads of accessories……I can be the Eva who I really am.
I just miss that person. That creative, hopeless romantic girl who love writing, who loves punk, gothic fashion, the girl who lives her life for herself, not for the people around.
There will be a day that girl will return. Only if I get a chance to study phd, I can make that dream come true again.