then reality knocks on my door, pulled me into the world where I despised, hated to be in and I can’t seem to get back where I used to belong. I used to have aspiration, motivation, inspiration, enthusiasm, and hope. And what I am left with today is hopelessness. I can’t think of what I can write about, what thing in this world can inspire me, what could possibly motivate me and give me the hope I used to have. Strange, is it not? It was only 2008 when I was so inspired. What has happened to me now?
I wanted to continue studying, and even though research may be a pain in the arse, writing may cause my fingers to have internal bleeding, I still want to study. I still want to learn loads of new things, and those things that I am interested in, not some other things I do not want to learn about. Look, I may be stubborn but it is a waste of time if i were to do things that I do not like. I won’t die happily. I would spend my whole life regretting of the things I wanna do, but fail to accomplish it, or to do things that will satisfy me.
Why do my posts sounds so gloomy and why aren’t there a single poem over the past year? That’s because I do not feel inspired, I don’t feel that I belong, every single time I have that single moment of muse urging me to write, some incident destroys it. Even if it is my bladder, or dinner time, or facebook, dang, I want to stay away from facebook so I can actually WRITE MY STORIES.I have been suffering in a writer’s block and it frustrates me, get it? Probably some of you don’t because you aren’t a writer, let alone love to write. I am different. I love writing and writing used to be my life. And now, I don’t know what screwed me up. Not my anime/manga/drama time though, I perfectly scheduled when I will watch it so that I could spend time on something else. For bloggers and writers who are reading this, I bet you have been through this. At least once in your life, you are so sick of life and angry at yourself for not being able to wake up the muses sleeping inside.
Anyway, this post was not meant for you to criticize my selfishness, stubbornness and immaturity. I don’t keep it all inside, this blog is where I reveal my true self. I don’t mind if you start hating me because I was complaining on the unsatisfied desires of mine. Cause I was most of the time, all by myself, in front of my laptop, not socializing with people anyway. So it is more like “don’t cross the borders, if you wanna talk to me”. Strange indeed, I used to be such an extrovert, but now, I am more of an introvert.
Maybe, if I were to go to school again, I might get better…..I don;t know. I just need to study, learn something that I like, chase my dreams once again. And be the girl filled with dreams like I used to be. As for now, I am just a soulless girl without hope and to leech off parent’s money and money from tutoring….
Money isn’t always happiness. To me, when I have the inspiration to write and create new things, that is where i find true happiness.